


Becoming Wanheda

by Mash_me_up



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depression, F/M, Heavy Angst, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-07-12 04:12:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 33,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15987368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mash_me_up/pseuds/Mash_me_up
Summary: After primfaya, Clarke finds herself alone. (No Madi) She deals with it badly, and things become difficult when the others return.





	1. Demons in my mind

After Clarke survived Primfaya, she was alone. At first it was a relief, she had succeeded, her friends were safe, and she was no longer responsible for anyone’s life but her own. When she tried and failed to get to the bunker, she felt almost free, though with a lingering sense of guilt that they were trapped down there. As time wore on though, it got lonely. When she couldn’t reach anyone on the radio, she felt isolated, and went through cycles of believing everyone was dead, before convincing herself that it was just the radio, and everyone had survived. After the food and water supplies got low, she took the rover and went searching for something, anything, living in this new world. She almost gave up a few times, putting the gun to her head and almost pulling the trigger. But stubbornness kept her going. She talked to Bellamy and the others on the radio every day, hoping, praying, that they had made it to the Ark.  
After she found the valley it got better. She had food and water and speaking to her friends kept her sane-kind of. After a while she stopped using the radio to talk to them and just spoke as if they were there, and when she started hearing them reply and seeing them move around the camp it seemed natural. Somewhere inside she knew she was hallucinating, that it wasn’t real, but she pushed it away to enjoy being with her friends. It did worry her sometimes, how much of what she was seeing was real and how much wasn’t, but to not be alone was worth the price. This peaceful time lasted for almost a year before her hallucinations started getting darker. Clarke had always been a realist (some would say pessimist) and after a while her mind started to think of all the ways things could go wrong. And since much of her reality was controlled by her state of mind these days it affected her hallucinations accordingly. It started out small. Sideways glances from her friends, conversations cut short as she entered the hut. The worst was Bellamy, he started getting closer with the other girls. The hardest part of it all was seeing him kiss Echo and walk off hand in hand with her to the rover.  
At this point in time Clarke debated whether it was better to try and treat herself. She didn’t know much about psychology, but she knew that it didn’t usually end well if left untreated. She tried telling herself it wasn’t real, even told the others, but it didn’t do much, they didn't believe her, and she wasn’t even sure if it was purely psychological, or a side effect of surviving Primfaya. Even though the nightsblood had saved her, it wasn’t a magical cure-all.  
So, in the end she gave up, decided to live with it, although she felt more and more isolated over time. She laughed bitterly to herself, imaginary friends were supposed to help stop loneliness, not aggravate it. She caught snatches of what they were saying, talking about their lost friends. Jasper, Atom, and others of the 100. The deaths she blamed herself for, so she said nothing. One day she injured herself trying to climb a tree for some fruit. She sat there crying for some time, everything overwhelming her. When she looked up she saw Bellamy standing near her, arms folded. She held out her hand to him, asking silently for comfort, but he shook his head and stepped back. “Why?” Clarke almost begged, her voice dusty from misuse.  
“Because I can’t afford to have you love me Clarke.” Bellamy replied, “Loving you is a death sentence.” And he turned and walked away. Clarke shrunk back as if she’d been hit. It was true. Everyone she had allowed herself to love was dead, or as good as. Her father, Wells, Finn, and Lexa, all dead because of her. Her mother may still be alive, but if she was she was better off without her.  
That was the first day Clarke cut herself. Her mind may be punishing her mentally and emotionally, but it wasn’t enough. As she made the first cut on her arm she felt relieved. She deserved this. And one day maybe she would get the courage to end this once and for all.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
2 years later

Clarke had lost all sense of time. It had been almost 3 years now she thought. Recently things had gotten a little more dangerous. Animals that had survived Primfaya but had mutated had entered the valley. They were starving and vicious. Clarke wasn’t really sure if they were real. Unlike her friends who she knew weren’t there, these beasts could be real. After the first encounter which she barely got away from. Clarke took to carrying a weapon with her at all times. The next few times she saw them she was alone, it wasn’t until she was out hunting with Murphy one day (surprisingly Murphy was one of her closest friends now as their relationships had always consisted of snide remarks and slight distance so nothing much had changed.) that she encountered one with one of the others. The beast which looked like a mashed-up combination of a bear and a cat, jumped out at them from the bushes. Clarke instinctively swung her glaive at it and caught its shoulder. It swerved away from her and towards Murphy. Clarke let out a sharp cry as the catbear clawed his leg and then ran off. Clarke ran to Murphy and knelt down, pressing on the wound. The blood was gushing out and Clarke thought an artery had been hit. She sobbed as she tied a tourniquet around his upper thigh and lifted him on to her back to get back to camp. She talked to him as she ran back, telling him to hold on and hearing him mumble in reply. At some point he stopped answering and when she returned to camp she realized he had died on the way back. When she arrived at camp the others gathered around and helped her put Murphy down. Questions were thrown at her and she tried to answer through her sobs. Emori didn’t react well to his death, screaming and attacking Clarke. Raven held her back and motioned for Clarke to leave, so she stumbled towards her cottage. She took one last look back at the group as she entered, seeing them gathered around the body of their friend, and once again felt alone. As she curled up on her makeshift bed crying, she heard footsteps and looked up to see Bellamy standing in the doorway. “Another one strikes the dust Princess” He said sardonically. “Murphy should have known better than to get close to you. Not even a cockroach can survive the great Wanheda.” And he left. That night after Clarke covered her arms in shallow cuts, she started on her thighs.

When she woke up the next morning she was surprised (and yet not) to see Murphy sitting by the fire making out with Emori. She walked over to them and they looked up, Emori glared at her and Murphy smiled. “Hey Clarke, yesterday was intense huh.”  
Clarke smiled “Yea, glad you’re OK”.  
“Course, I’m a cockroach” Murphy said offhandedly.  
‘That and you’re not really real’ Clarke thought before carrying on with her day.

Clarke continued her life, but as though Murphy’s 1st death was a catalyst thinks started speeding downhill fast. The beasts started attacking in groups, injuring and killing more of her friends. Murphy’s death had almost been the most merciful. Clarkes medical skills seemed useless on her friends and the smallest scratch could become infected and leave the victim dying slowly in pain. Raven was clawed in the stomach and died of septicemia confused and in pain. Bellamy had an arm torn off, Echo was dragged into the forest, Murphy was bit by some kind of snake and died with blood pouring out of his eyes and ears, and on and on it went. At first Clarke was torn up over each and every death, but after a while it became the new norm, and she grew immune to it. In a few cases where Clarke could do nothing and the death was slow and painful, Clarke killed them herself, as she had done with Atom.

Clarke immersed herself in hunting, gathering, fighting and death. She fought to save herself and her friends. ‘just another day on the ground aye?’ remembering Murpy’s words. The others kept their distance now. Dying multiple times each had taken it’s toll, even if they weren’t real. They resented her now, They knew the only reason they were even here, were suffering, was her. When they did interact with her they called her Wanheda more often than not. Spitting it out like a curse. And she sank more and more into that role, her heart growing colder by the day. Now she just killed anyone who got injured to stop them suffering, and whining. She hardly even noticed as the group got smaller, a few of them not returning after a death, such as Harper, Echo, Emori. One day she looked up and realized only Raven and Bellamy were left. It was a shock and must have showed on her face as Bellamy snarled. “Oh remembered us have you Princess? Yea, first you force us to stay here, and now you can’t even be bothered to notice when we leave. I should be flattered that Raven and I are the last to go. Looks like you love us the most. Lucky us!” By the end he was almost shouting at her, but she sank back into her cold apathy and just stared at him. “Just let us go Wanheda!” Raven almost begged. She looked tired and haggard “Free us from your curse.” Clarke looked at them both for a little longer and then walked up to Raven, drew her knife, and slit her throat. She turned to Bellamy and he gave an angry laugh opening his arms as if to hug her. She stepped into him and drove her knife through his heart. They didn’t come back after that.


	2. Demon in the woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diyoza and the others find out Clarke is alive. But is this a good thing?

**Diyoza**

Diyoza frowned as she looked down at the man at her feet. When the Elgius landed they thought they had the earth to themselves. But then a small group of people had come down from another station, and revealed that even more people were living in a bunker not far from the valley. They had opened the bunker to find a load of crazy cannibals but had managed to work out a truce to share the valley. They couldn’t afford to go to war in the last living habitable place on earth. It had taken a lot of hard work, but they had worked out a sort of coalition with the leaders of each group representing. There hadn't been much of a choice to be honest, they had needed Onekrus help as most of the prisoners weren’t exactly the farming and hunting types. Plus they needed the extra population to stop inbreeding. As they had learnt to work together they had begun exploring the Valley to find resources and living space. They had hit a snag in the Northern part of the Valley with two explorer teams going missing.  
The first one could have been an accident so Diyoza sent another couple of teams in. One came back with nothing, the other went missing as well. She had called in the leaders of the coalition, Bellamy, Bloodraina/Octavia (what kind of name was that anyway?), Marcus, and herself. They had gathered the best trackers and warriors from the groups to find the missing parties and find out what was happening. One man had returned, bloody and speaking the barbaric language they loved so much. She called the coalition together again to hear his report only to have him repeat the same phrase over and over again. “Wanheda is alive, she has come for us.”  
Diyoza was puzzled, she looked at the other leaders to see if they knew what he was talking about only to see the looks on their faces. Marcus looked shocked, and slightly happy, Octavia shocked as well and shooting glances at her brother Bellamy, who looked as though he had just been shot. His face went through a myriad of emotions joy, grief, guilt disbelief, anger, before settling on a calm mask. He stepped forward “Clarke?” he whispered. “you saw Clarke?”

The man made his report. They had found the second team, dead, torn apart, and before they could look for the first team they had been ambushed. Clarke or Wanheda had attacked out of the bushes instantly killing one of the trackers. Another had recognized her and called out to her but she had turned on him and attacked. Nothing they said got through to her, and the man, had escaped in the end to bring the news back. After the report he headed to medical and Diyoza turned to the others. “OK, so who is this Clarke, or Wanheda?” she asked. “Because from what he said it seems like she might be even crazier than you were when we found you.” She aimed that last remark at Octavia. She had built her own little kingdom under the ground and had not appreciated it being unearthed at first. When she had seen the valley though and been able to eat real food (Diyoza shuddered at some of the stories she had heard) she had listened to her advisers and brokered a peace treaty.  
Bellamy looked dazed and Marcus stepped forward. “Clarke is Abby’s daughter, and one of the leaders of the original 100…”  
After hearing their tales of Clarke, with people jumping in as different parts of the story happened (at some point the rest of Skycrew, and some more Onekru had wandered in after hearing rumors from the med bay). From her time on the ark, becoming a leader of the 100 with Bellamy, becoming Wanheda at Mount Weather, all the way to when she ‘died’ in Primfaya saving their lives, Diyoza was impressed. She thinks she would have liked this girl, but after being the alone for 6 years, who knew what she was like now. Diyoza frowned, as soon as the shock had worn off Bellamy had tried to organize a search party for Clarke. Diyoza and Marcus had had to physically restrain him while they talked him down. The other Skycrew members were chomping at the bit, and as soon as Abby had made it through detox she would be too. If she didn’t do something their fragile peace may fall apart over one girl. Diyoza knew she had to do something before somebody snuck off and got themselves killed, so she called a meeting, everyone was to attend.

S

Diyoza stood on the platform at the front of the crowd with the other coalition members. “some of you may have heard rumors.” She started “Rumors that Clarke Griffin, Wanheda, is alive.” A murmuring ran through the crowd.” She let them talk for a bit and then raised her hands for silence. “Yes, we believe this to be true. And we want to find her and bring her home” She glanced over at the others. “However, she has attacked member of our community and killed 7 people. I do not know why, maybe we entered her territory, or the first group aggravated her, but we do know that she is dangerous.” A louder wave of talking ran through the crowd. “She has been alone for 6 years, and we don’t know what that does to a person. We want to find her and bring her home. So we will be organizing a party to search for her. We want people she knows, who have a good relationship with her, people who can talk to her, but also people who can defend themselves. If you believe you fit this profile and you would like to join us, please speak to either Marcus or myself after this.” As she stepped down Diyoza heard conversations start up. It seemed this Clarke girl had a polarizing affect on people. Some of the Onekru spoke of her in worshipful tones. The Commander of Death who had beaten death once more and survived the end of the world on her own. For the Skycrew she was their savior, their friend who had sacrificed herself so they could live, and to Diyoza, she was a threat. Diyoza had agreed to share power with the other leaders because she still held the power and the technology, she was the nominal leader of the coalition, and from what she’d heard, Clarke didn’t follow anyone.

When they had a group of 15 Diyoza gathered them together. She looked at each of their faces, Bellamy, Marcus, Raven, Murphy, Monty, Echo, Emori, Harper, Marcus, Miller, Octavia, Indra and herself. There were also a couple of prisoner she was bringing for insurance, in case Clarke refused to talk and had to be taken by force. She had a shock collar in her bag for the same reason, though she didn’t tell the others that. “Look, I know each of you loves Clarke and can’t wait to see her, but we have to be realistic.” She paused seeing some frowns but hearing no complaints. “Clarke has been alone for 6 years, and she killed the first people she met. We don’t know what she’s gone through, or if she’s even sane.” A murmur ran around the group. “We may need to restrain her, keep her confined until we are sure she is not a danger to others” another murmur, less happy “I hope we don’t have to. But my priority is the safety of everyone in the community, not just Clarke.” A few heads nodded but she knew this agreement may not last once they actually encountered Clarke. “Ok, get your gear ready, we leave in an hour.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

**Clarke**

Lately the beasts had gotten smarter, they had started to wear human skins, to disguise themselves as grounders. But she knew they weren’t, there was no one human here. Not even her.  
She killed the first group, and the second. She let one go to take a warning back to his pack. She knew it was a risk, but maybe they would find her too big of a threat. So, when she spotted traces of a third group, larger than the last two, she growled deep in her throat. She would have to kill them all. Make a statement. These creatures were smart, they would learn to fear her. She followed the traces until she could hear them, then she entered the trees. Getting closer she almost fell out of the tree, they were wearing the faces of her friends! Hatred grew in her and she jumped down to face them. “Get out.”  
Heads snapped towards her looks of shock and disbelief on their faces. The one dressed as Bellamy stepped towards her and she whipped out her knife. “Stay back, I will give you one warning. Leave now or I will kill you all.”  
Bellamy stopped confusion on his face “Clarke? It’s me Bellamy, we came back, just like we promised.”  
Clarke growled and thrust her knife towards him. “Shut up, you’re not Bellamy, I put my knife through Bellamy’s heart, you just wear his face.”  
Shock and fear crossed the beasts faces. ‘hah! They didn’t think I could see through their tricks!’  
Bellamy glanced back at the others at the strange female that seemed to be their leader. She shook her head resigned. ‘She doesn’t seem surprised, she might be smarter than the others.”  
Bellamy tried once again, pleading in a soft voice. “Clarke, you didn’t kill me. You got us to the Ark remember? We waited 5 years for the radiation to die down and another to find a way to return, but it’s us.”  
She scoffed. “I’m not talking about the Bellamy that went to the Ark, I don’t know what happened to him. I’m talking about the Bellamy that stayed here, the one I killed because he was tired of dying. Him and Raven.” She turned to the leader pacing around the group. She kept an eye on the other two she didn’t know, they seemed ready to attack her. “Who are you? The Alpha? You seem to be in charge. I’ll admit it’s a neat trick wearing the faces of my friends, but you can’t fool me. There’s no one Human left down here. Just the beasts, and the Wanheda.” At that she lunged towards her through a gap in the group. ‘Kill the alpha and the rest will scatter’ she thought. Shouts of alarm sounded and she smiled grimly until a loud noise sounded and she felt a sharp pain in her leg that made her stumble. She looked up and realized one of them had a gun pointed at her “you’ve learnt to use human weapons” she said surprised, and then fell down. She lay down on the ground and waited to die. “I wonder if it will work this time?” she said. Footsteps came up beside her and she saw the leader kneel down beside her. In the background she could see Bellamy and the others arguing with the guards and trying to get to her ‘Leader must get first bite’. Then she turned her head up to look at the woman who might finally kill her. “Do your best” she said, she was tired.  
The woman frowned “what might work this time?” she asked.  
“You killing me” Clarke replied. “I’ve been killed before, but it never seems to stick. I guess my subconscious won’t let me die just yet. I guess it makes sense, it’s hard for hallucinations to kill me, but maybe this time, I’ll believe it enough to work. The pain is definitely more real than usual.”  
The woman sighed a look like pity crossing her face. Then she took a metal ring out from her bag and placed it around Clarkes neck. “Sorry to break it to you hon. But this is definitely real, and that pain isn’t going away anytime soon. I get that you’re crazy, but for now you’re a danger to everyone so just think of this as an insurance policy, to keep you from hurting anyone while we get you stitched up OK?”  
Clarke smiled. “Sure thing, but sorry to break it to you. But they all thought they were real too. At least until the first time they died. And I’m not sure how a piece of metal is going to stop me from doing anything.”  
The leader smiled back. “Like this.” And she pressed a button. Suddenly Clarke felt her whole body seizing up in pain as electricity flew through her limbs. It felt like forever but was probably only a few seconds, then it stopped.  
Clarke said “That’ll work.” And then fainted.


	3. Old and new Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke wakes up in med bay, the others discuss what to do with her.

**Diyoza**

Diyoza stood up and turned around, knowing the reactions of the others weren’t going to be pretty. She was right, the others were being held back by her two guards and she waved a hand to let them through. They rushed up and Bellamy went straight to Clarke shooting her a dirty look. Raven and Octavia came straight at her and started yelling, the others hung back an angry neutral except for Harper and Monty who went to support Bellamy and check on Clarke. She held up a hand for silence. ” It had to be done.” Yelling started again and she raised her voice. “IT HAD TO BE DONE!”. The noise quieted. “She doesn’t believe we are real. And if we are not real then she will have no compunction about killing us all.”   
“And the collar?” Marcus asked coldly walking up to her. “Is that really necessary?”  
“Yes” she shot back. “we are not going to torture her, we just need a way to stop her if she attacks us again. Unless you’d prefer we shot her again?”  
Marcus nodded begrudgingly and herded the others away, speaking to them in a low voice.  
Diyoza turned once again to Clarke and said to Bellamy “It’s only until we can get her treated and make her understand that this is real.”  
He nodded. “I get it, but I’m not happy about it.” He stood up and barked “Murphy, come give me a hand.” Murphy came over and together they picked Clarke up and put her on Bellamy’s back. “lets go” he said, and started walking back to the ship. The others followed and so did Diyoza, thinking of how she was going to handle this situation.

When they got back to the ship they put Clarke into a quarantine room in the med bay. Diyoza was insistent that she be kept separate from the others until they could assess her state of mind, and Bellamy insisted they go to med bay to treat her wounds, so they compromised.  
She set a watch on Clarke. Always one prisoner who wouldn’t hesitate to activate the collar in case she attacked. And Bellamy and Marcus organized someone she knew to be there in case she woke up. Although for them it was more forcing the others to take shifts so that they could sleep and eat as none of them wanted to leave. Diyoza wondered what it was about the girl that inspired their loyalty so. She had heard the stories, but they were from 6 years ago. Even the most fervent feelings will die down after 6 years of no contact. She asked Echo, she seemed the most levelheaded of the group at the moment, and she knew that was because her connection with Clarke wasn’t as strong as the others.  
Echo sighed. “When 'the 100' as they call it came down, Clarke and Bellamy became the leaders. They balanced each other out. Bellamy once told me they called each other the heart and the head. Bellamy was the heart, Clarke the head. He was led by his emotions, and she could overthink, be too logical. Together they were the leaders, and the 100 used to call them ‘Mum and Dad’ jokingly. Clarke and Bellamy were the soul of the group, and when the adults came down they protected them from grounders, mountain men and their own alike. They see them as a unit. Without Clarke, Bellamy was missing a part of himself, and it affected the whole dynamic on the Ark. Now he may be whole again and their family can heal. As for the grounders. She is the Wanheda, the Commander of Death. She killed their greatest enemy, the mountain men, brokered a peace with Lexa, saved them from the City of light, gave them a way to survive the end of the Primfaya, and managed to survive it herself with no protection. To them she’s basically a god.” With that she chuckled bitterly “and who can live up to that?” Besides, she saved my life after I tried to kill her, so I guess I owe her as well.” She glanced over at Bellamy with something like loss in her eyes, and Diyoza sighed again.   
“Yes, even she may not be able to live up to that.” She said. “and I’m not to sure she will want to.”  
Echo looked puzzled. “What do you mean?” she asked.  
Diyoza looked her straight in the eyes. “She thought I was going to kill her after we shot her, and she wanted it to work. I think her hallucinations have tried to kill her before, and that means at least a part of her wants to die.”  
Echo’s face fell “Dammit. I’m not sure Bellamy will survive losing her twice. He blamed himself for leaving her behind, and if she dies he will put that on himself too.” She looks sharply at Diyoza. “I’m not stupid, I know you think she’s a threat. But if she dies, you will have a war, and you’ll lose the power you love so much.”  
Diyoza tried to keep her face straight but obviously failed. “What do you mean?” She asked stiffly.  
Echo smiled, a feral grin. “Lose Clarke, you lose Bellamy, and the rest of SkyCrew, and Shaw because he’ll follow Raven.” Diyoza’s eyes narrowed at that but Echo continued. “You don’t want those people against you trust me. They’ve survived much scarier things than you all by using their brains and skills.” Diyoza tried to speak but was cut off. “I’m not finished. Lose Clarke, and you will lose Abby, lose Abby and you’ll lose Marcus. Lose their trust and Octavia will choose her brother over you, their relationship may not be great, but she only tolerates the alliance. It breaks and she will be gunning for power again. Onekru will follow her unquestioningly, she taught them well in the bunker. And now that we have met your people, walked your halls, and used your technology, you will lose any war you start. So, to sum it all up. You better hope Clarke gets better.”  
“And what happens when she gets better?” Diyoza shot back.  
“Well then you’ll have a whole different set of problems on your hands.” Echo laughed. “But remember this, in all the stories, Clarke fought for peace. She did everything in her power to find peace between the different factions. And it was only when she was pushed into a corner that she did things that earned her the name Wanheda.”  
Echo headed towards the med bay. “Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s my turn to watch the sleeping princess.” 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

**Clarke**

Clarke woke to a sharp pain in her leg, and an ache all over. This was unusual as each time she had ‘died’ before she’d woken up feeling fine the next day. Sure, she’d had injuries over the past years, but mostly from falls and self-inflicted injuries. She heard voices and tensed, keeping her eyes closed and listening. She knew it was probably futile but she never could tell how her hallucinations would react. Some of the things her mind had come up with over the years had seemed extremely real.   
As she listened she heard what seemed like a doctor talking to someone. “The bullet has been removed from her leg, it didn’t do much damage and should heal in a few weeks, she shows signs of exhaustion and malnutrition, and from what you’ve told me as well as self-inflicted wounds we have found it leads me to believe that she isn’t mentally stable.  
Clarke snorted at that “No shit sherlock” she said as she opened her eyes to see some sort of med bay. She turned her head to see a doctor she recognized from the Arkstanding outside the doorway. “Jackson, wasn’t it?”  
He nodded his head and moved towards the bed. “How are you feeling, Clarke?”   
“Like shit, but don’t worry it shouldn’t last long.” She looked around taking it all in. She saw Bellamy sleeping in a chair by the door, and Raven was sitting on her other side looking happy, but a bit scared. “Huh, this is new. My brain must have been bored with the same-old same-old. I guess killing and dying does get repetitive. But this is….”   
She trailed off noticing the concerned looks Jackson and Raven were giving her.  
“Clarke” Jackson said gently. “I know this is hard to believe, but this is real OK? Your friends came down from the Ark and got us out of the bunker. And we met some other survivors from a different space station.”  
Clarke decided to play along for a bit. “Sure, thing doc, it’s all real. Say when can I get out of here, I have to check my traps.”  
She tried to stand up but winced when she put weight on her leg, and let the doctor push her back down gently. “Not for a bit.” He said casting an uneasy glance at the door. “We need to let the leg heal a bit and then maybe you can tell us about what happened to you after Primfaya.”   
Clarke rolled her eyes at that. “You already know doc, you’re in my head remember.” Then feeling sleepy she lay back down and closed her eyes. She heard the doctor’s footsteps move towards the door, and some murmuring from the hall, and then she slept again.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

**Diyoza**

When the doctor came to report his findings, they were all there. They gathered in the hall outside the quarantine to avoid disturbing Clarke. The doctor had just discussed some of his findings and was expressing his concern about Clarkes mental state when they heard a snort and “No shit sherlock” coming from the room. The doctor motioned them to stay outside as he went in to check on Clarke and they all eavesdropped unashamedly on their conversation. Concern grew in Diyoza as Clarke talked. She seemed so normal if it wasn’t for what she was saying being totally crazy, the tone of voice and easy way she talked made it sound like she was the sane one.   
When the doctor came back out he motioned them further down the hall. “I assume you all heard that?” He questioned and got a round of nods. “She seems perfectly rational if you discount the fact that she believes this is all a hallucination. I can’t say what her mind has come up with to in response to her isolation over the years. I think we will need to find a way to get her to talk about what she has been through. Diyoza, you said she said some stuff to you before she fainted?”   
“Yea. She said maybe this time her death would stick, I think she’s been ‘killed’ in hallucinations before but she said her subconscious wouldn’t let her die.”  
The doctor nodded. “It has happened that people dreaming or hallucinating have experienced a fatal incident within that hallucination and because their brains believed they were dead, their heart stops beating.” He looked up. “On some level she’s cognizant that these are just hallucinations and so her brain doesn’t have the belief to kill her. But that’s for later, did she say anything else?”  
“Just that she hoped it would stick this time. Oh! And when I said it was real, she said the others had thought they were real too, until they died the first time.”  
The doctor looked concerned. “The first part indicates what I already know. She shows signs of depression, and has self-inflicted wounds on her body. If she truly decides to die, it’s possible she will. As for the second part, it sounds like her hallucinations started off mildly. Maybe her friends keeping her company, but as her isolation and depression worsened her friends started to die. But she implied that they died multiple times, so it’s possible that she saw everyone around her die and come back, and experienced it herself in her hallucinations.” He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “If that’s true, for however long it’s been going on, she’s been mentally and emotionally torturing herself these past years.” He looked up at the group. “I warn you, this is not going to be an easy fix. We don’t have anyone trained in psychology, and the books we have on the topic are varied and basically boil down to: Each person is different, you need to find what works for them, and if all else fails, medicate heavily.”  
He looked down at his chart and then back up again. “Ok first we start with the physical. We get her stitched up and back to physical health. I recommend we keep the watch on her, make sure there is always a friendly face by her side. Talk to her, try to get her to tell you what she has been doing these past years, build up her trust. We will have to find a way to make her believe this is real before we can address any other issues.” He turned to Diyoza. “I assume there is electronic monitoring in the room?” When she nodded “Good, record everything, we need to get as much information as possible if we are going to help her. OK, we have a plan for now. I will contact the coalition if anything changes.” He turned to Murphy. “Your up next for watch? Update Raven and Bellamy when he wakes up. Otherwise let them sleep. They both need it.”  
The group broke up as Murphy entered the room and crossed to Raven. Diyoza stayed for a minute watching the sleeping girl. She didn’t know what to think, but as Echo had pointed out, there weren’t any good options at the moment.


	4. Sharing my Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke talks a little about her experiences.

**Clarke**

The second time Clarke awoke, it was Murphy by her side. He saw her eyes open and smiled “Hey, how are you?”  
Clarke looked at him suspiciously. He was being nice. Murphy didn’t do nice. Except with Emori.  
Noticing her frown his smile dropped. “Yea fuck it, they told us to be gentle with you. But you’re not fragile Clarke, even if you are batshit crazy.”  
Clarke laughed, this was the Murphy she knew and loved. ‘Shit’, her laughter stopped, and she looked sadly at Murphy. “You should know better than to get close to me by now.” She said. “I thought you learnt your lesson after you fell in the ant’s nest.” She turned her head away and waited for him to leave. They hadn’t tried to kill her yet, so she guessed her mind was taking a holiday from constantly trying to kill her.  
She heard a sigh behind her, but he didn’t leave. “Look, I don’t know what the fuck you’ve been through, and I know you won’t believe me, but this is real. So even if you don’t believe it, you might as well play along. Pretend I don’t know anything that happened and tell me. I can handle it."  
Clarke turned back to face him. He seemed almost angry, but sincere. She really didn’t want to but maybe this was a new torture she had thought up for herself. She knew if she didn’t play along things would just get worse until she did. So, she sat herself up and thought back. “Fine. Where to start? How much do you remember?”  
“Start from how you survived Primfaya.”  
OK, um…. The nightsblood saved me. I was burnt pretty badly and was out of it for a few days while I healed. I tried the radio, but no one answered. So, I tried to get to the bunker, but the tower collapsed on it. I barely made it out in time.” She shuddered at the memory thinking that they were probably all dead of starvation by now. “I stayed in Becca’s lab until food and water got low, then I took the rover and left.” She skipped over the part where she had been tempted to kill herself. If they really didn’t know it was none of their business. “I found the valley after a while and settled down. You guys showed up a month or so later.”  
Murphy interrupted her here, “Who showed up?”  
“You guys, You, Monty, Raven, Echo, Harper, Emori, and, and Bellamy.” She looked away when she said Bellamy’s name. and Murphy narrowed his eyes in thought.  
“It was good for a while, maybe a year? But then the beasts started coming.”  
“The beasts?”  
“Yea, mutated creatures that survived Primfaya. You were the first to die actually.”  
“Gee thanks” Murphy said sardonically. She turned to look at him to see a half-smile on his face and he gestured to her to continue.  
You got clawed by a bearcat and it hit an artery, I couldn’t get you back to camp and you died. You didn’t mind it so much, but Emori was pissed, you should have listened to her and Bellamy, you had a bigger chance of dying if you were near me. But you stuck with me longer than the others.” She smiled at that but avoided looking at Murphy, she didn’t want to see his reaction, so she stared at the ceiling. “It wasn’t till the 6th or 7th time? We were out hunting, and we fought a beast, managed to kill it, but before it died it pushed you into a nest of ants. You were eaten alive within a few minutes. After that you learnt to stay away.”  
Clarke heard a snort and turned to Murphy to see him almost laughing “Killer ants, Clarke your mind is seriously fucked up.” Clarke had to smile at that, he was right. Murphy always could make her smile in the darkest moments.  
“I’m not sure when you and the others started to disappear. At some point it got easier to kill you when you got injured rather than to wait for you to die screaming from the infection/poison. You actually asked for it first. After you got bit by the same snake that got Monty. You’d seen how he died, so you asked me to kill you first. That started it off, you always were an instigator of bad ideas.” She chuckled.  
After a while you started to fade away I guess. At the end only Bellamy and Raven were left, and they didn’t want to be there anymore. So, I slit Raven’s throat and put a dagger through Bellamy’s heart.” Her voice had grown cold and distant and Murphy looked concerned.  
“After that I started dying. It never stuck, but my mind got very creative. I think the worst on was the time I was buried alive in a landslide. I couldn’t free my hands to kill myself, so I suffocated to death. Or the time I was paralyzed by a giant rat. I couldn't get away so I had to lye there while it ate my stomach. That didn't last to long, but was one of the more painful deaths. So yeah, that continued until my mind got bored, and then you arrived wearing the faces of my friends. I’m not sure what this is about but it should be different at least.” With that she turned to look at Murphy and saw he was clenching his fists on his knees. He looked like he was about to say something when Monty walked in.  
“Hey Clarke! Nice to see you awake!” Monty said with a smile.  
Murphy stood up abruptly pushing his chair back with his legs. He motioned to Monty to follow him and walked out the door. He spoke in a harsh whisper and Clarke could only catch “Don’t ask Clarke” and “Tell you later” before he stalked off.  
Monty came in with a concerned frown on his face but put on a smile when he saw Clarke watching him. “Hey Clarke, Murphy said you’ve been telling him some stuff and might be tired, so do you wanna hear about what we did on the Ark?”  
Clarke nodded sure and listened as he described life on the Ark, it sounded pretty peaceful if boring, and as Monty started to go into the specifics of his work on the algae she started to zone out. Where was all this technical stuff coming from? She knew nothing about algae farming but he sounded pretty convincing. As she mulled this over she drifted back to sleep.

 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

**Diyoza**

Diyoza was heading to check in on Clarke when she saw Murphy stalking down the halls. She walked towards him just in time to see him turn and punch the wall at full force and then fall to his knees clutching his hand and yelling “FUCK!”  
She approached him crouched down next to him. “What’s going on?” He looked up at her surprised and then his face darkened. “You said you were monitoring Clarkes room?”  
“Yes” Diyoza nodded.  
"Gather everyone in security, there’s something you need to see. I’ll get Bellamy.” And he stood up and walked off.  
Diyoza stood up and went to find the others with a knot growing in her stomach. What could get Murphy so worked up? He was the most laid back, slightly detached member of Skycrew that she had seen. He didn’t let anything get to him.  
As she rounded up the others with a few words, her worry grew and by the time they reached security she was holding herself together tightly. After Murphy gave them a brief summary and they watched the recording she calmed down. It wasn’t that bad. Well it was bad but more so for those emotionally connected to Clarke, than for them as a whole. She looked up as Marcus sighed. “She didn’t say much, there’s obviously a lot more going on there that she has said. But you can read a lot from what she said."  
“She made it sound like we hate her” Bellamy rasped looking devastated.  
Echo put her arm around his shoulders pulling him in to a hug. “It wasn’t us, she’s ill and she’ll get better.” She shot a fierce look at Diyoza who put her hands up in a shrugging motion. “Look there is some stuff in The Elgius’s files about the effects of long term isolation on people. It’s why they put us all in cryo for the journey, so we wouldn’t go crazy, also so we didn’t die of old age before reaching the destination. But they had seen the affects on prisoners kept in solitary for too long with minimal human contact. Maybe it will have some treatment ideas. She turned to the doc. “Is there anyone you think might be qualified to take on the role of a counselor?”  
Jackson looked thoughtful. “Marcus would you be willing? You have a connection with her family and can stay calm under stress. You have to be able to not react when she tells you stuff and think clearly about how you answer. It shouldn’t be anyone she hallucinated about because they may trigger something inadvertently. And she won’t open up to a stranger.”  
Marcus nodded looking grim. “I will give it a try, but I have another query. When do we tell Abby? I think it would help her to have something to fight for to recover, but I don’t want her or Clarke upsetting each other if they see each other. They’ve always had an intense relationship.”  
Jackson frowned. “Good point. I will observe them both to see how they are doing. For now try to keep Abby from hearing, if she learns about Clarke and is prevented from seeing her it may affect her adversely.”  
With that the group broke up and went their separate ways once more. Diyoza culd feel a sort of heaviness in the air and once again wished Clarke had stayed just a memory, she was complicating a perfectly good thing they had going here. But at the same time she was impressed by all the girl had done in her short life, and how she had stayed as sane as she was. She wasn’t too hopeful about helping her, but Echo’s warning rang in her head. She had to show she was at least trying if she wanted the peace to last.


	5. Demon of blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is awake, she talks to Octavia and Bellamy. Lots of angst!

**Clarke**

Clarke woke from her nightmare with a start, something was looming over her in the dark. She grabbed for her knife but found nothing, so she rolled off the other side of the bed and crouched down. She searched the room with her eyes looking for a weapon ignoring the startled “Clarke!” from the shadow. Running mostly on instinct she grabbed a tray off the bedside table and came up swinging. She felt it connect with a thud and felt more than saw the shape fall to the ground. She turned to escape but as she reached the door she saw another shape turn towards her, and then she was being electrocuted again by the collar around her neck. She collapsed to the ground and blacked out again.

The next time she surfaced she felt soft cloth around her wrists and when she tried to move she ran up against resistance. Her eyes shot open as she started struggling, and she heard a noise to her left. She turned with a snarl to face the danger but was restricted thanks to the bindings on her arms.  
“Clarke! Clarke! It’s OK! You are OK!” She heard a voice say soothingly repeating itself over and over again until she calmed down. She turned her head to see Marcus Kane sitting next to her. She threw her head back with a laugh “See now I know this isn’t real.”   
Marcus laid a hand gently on her arm. “Now why would you say that Clarke?”  
“Because you’re in the bunker. And everyone in the bunker is dead. Their food ran out a while ago.”  
Marcus’s eyes dropped, and his hand fell away. He cleared his throat “We uh, we were able to create another source of food, so we didn’t starve. And when the others came back down they dug us out.”  
“An alternate source of food? Like Monty’s algae?”  
Marcus let out a huff of breath and was about to reply when he was interrupted.  
“I’ll tell her”.  
Clarke looked at the door to see Octavia standing there. She looked different in a way Clarke couldn’t quite describe, harder somehow, and lost. She walked into the room and waved Marcus away. He left without any fuss which Clarke raised an eyebrow at. Marcus didn't usually take orders well.  
‘6 years is a long time Clarke’ she thought. ‘I’m definitely not the same person I used to be.’ She turned to see Octavia staring at her intensely. ‘Apparently some things don’t change’ she smiled as she looked Octavia over, which turned into a frown. Octavia had bruising on her cheek and the beginnings of a black eye.  
“What happened to you?” Clarke asked pointing at her face.  
“You did” Octavia replied with a small grin. “You’re a lot faster than you used to be.”  
Clarke frowned as she thought back realizing Octavia must have been the one she hit in her attempt to escape her nightmare last night.  
Oh. Sorry” She said lamely.  
They fell into silence, until Clarke remembered and said. “You were going to tell me something?”  
Octavia almost flinched but set her shoulders and nodded. “I figure you’ll learn about it eventually. So I should tell you myself. Perhaps, perhaps you will understand.” Octavia looked down at her hands, almost fidgeting. “You were always able to make the hard decisions, even if you knew people would hate you for them. Maybe you will be different.”  
What do you mean?” asked Clarke.  
Octavia took a deep breath "Everyone looks at me differently now. They all have fear or disgust in their eyes. I know what we did was wrong, but it was the only way to survive. I had to become someone else, the bad guy. And I liked it. I became that person and when Bellamy found us I couldn’t come back. Not for a while. The way he looked at me when he found out. That, that was what woke me up. My brother, who would do anything to protect me, anything, even if he knew I would hate him for it, he couldn’t even look me in the eyes. I was like a stranger to him.”  
Octavia’s eyes welled up, and Clarke stared. She had never seen Octavia so broken not even after Lincoln’s death. She had covered it up with anger then, but she had no shield now.  
Clarke tried to reach out a hand to her but was pulled up short by her restraints. “You wanna untie me so I can give you a hug? I promise not to attack you again.” She tried to lighten the atmosphere a little. Octavia gave a watery chuckle. “As if you could beat me” but she untied Clarke and they hugged.   
When Octavia had calmed down Clarke let her go and sat back “Ok, I can’t promise that whatever it is won’t shock me or affect how I look at you. But they may have told you I don’t believe any of this is real. And this is just my minds way of coping with the fact that you are all dead of starvation in the bunker. So it may not impact me as much. But I can tell you that no matter how bad it is. Even if I can’t forgive you. I know that Bellamy will someday. You’re his baby sister, and he will always love you, no matter what.”  
Now there were tears in both their eyes again. Octavia steeled herself and began her story.   
Clarke was impressed at how Octavia had kept the peace, if not a bit disturbed by the methods she used. When she started to talk about the dark year, about how she had earned the name Bloodreina, and how she had enjoyed her rain of terror, Clarke started to cry silently. Because she could understand. Sometimes the only way to survive a situation was to embrace it, to become someone different. Hadn’t she done the same in the past few years? When the others were around she had fought against the name Wanheda, only using it when she had no other choice. But once they were gone, she had embraced it to survive. Living more like a beast than human, she had gone on a rampage, her only goal to kill any beast that wandered into her territory. Anyone, or anything she met, met death.  
When Octavia had finished she avoided looking at Clarke. Clarke put her hand on hers and she flinched again. But looked up almost incredulously when Clarke spoke. “I get it, you did what you had had to, became who you had to, to survive. The important thing is that you came back, when you didn’t have to be that person anymore. If you had chosen to stay Bloodreina, then you would have been a monster. But you didn’t. I forgive you Octavia, for everything you had to do. And the others may, or may not. But you need to forgive yourself, or you will never believe in their forgiveness. Hell I let a bomb drop on you and you eventually forgave me, right?”  
Octavia broke down again and they both cried. Eventually though the tears dried up, and emotions calmed down.   
“Now” Clarke said. “On to important business. I’ve gotten pretty good at fighting over the past few years. How bout a rematch when I’m allowed out of here? You can try and get me back for the bruiser?” She smiled as Octavia relaxed, and they talked easily after that, until Bellamy came to the door, an unreadable expression in his eyes.  
“Can I talk to Clarke for a bit please?” He said stiffly. And Octavia rose to her feet looking sad. She waved goodbye to Clarke and left as Bellamy moved over to the bedside.  
He sat down in silence and Clarke waited. After a few minutes she couldn’t bear it any more and said “You wanted to speak?”  
“Yea” said Bellamy shifting uncomfortably, he looked as if he were searching for the right words. “I’m sorry for leaving you behind.”  
It burst out of him uncontrollably and his body tensed as if waiting for a blow.  
“Bellamy, no, I told you before, you did the right thing, the only thing you could do to save everyone.”  
Bellamy relaxed but said. “You never told me that.”  
“Right, that was the other you, I forgot you guys don’t remember.”  
Bellamy looked sad. “How can I convince you that this is real Clarke? We came back, we’re alive, and we want you back as well. You can’t imagine what I felt when I heard you were alive, I thought you died 6 years ago. I mourned you.”   
Clarke looked down. “I can’t believe this is real, I can’t. Because when I wake up one day and you’re not here anymore, I won’t survive. Not a third time. Or you will start to hate me again, and my heart will break again, and this time I won’t be able to stop and I’ll let myself bleed out.” Clarke covered her face with her hands as she tried to hide her tears.   
“Clarke, no.” Bellamy reached out and took her in his arms, pulling her into his lap. “I will never leave you again, you hear me. Never. And I could never hate you, you’ve sacrificed so much for us, why would I ever hate you?”  
“Because being around me gets people killed!” Clarke cried, trying to push him away. “You said it yourself. Everyone I ever loved is dead because of me. My dad, Finn, Lexa, Mum, even my friends die or get hurt. Hell I tried to save the world but it ended and I was ALONE!”  
Clarke was crying hysterically now, fighting Bellamy, but he held on tight, letting her hit at him with tears running down his face until she wore herself out. He whispered nonsense to her, stroking her hair until she calmed down.   
When she was calm he lifted her chin and said softly. “Clarke, I know it might feel that way, but you did the best you could. You saved so many lives and even at the end of the world you risked your own life to save me and the others. I will never hate you for that. And no one else blames you either. And if you want some good news. Abby is alive.”  
Clarke felt like he’d just dropped a bomb. “What?”  
“Your mum is alive Clarke. She survived in the bunker with Octavia. She had a bit of trouble dealing with everything that went on down there but she is recovering and you can see her soon, we just want to make sure you are both well enough before you meet.”  
Clarke looked up at Bellamy and then threw her arms around his neck. “Thank you, Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!”  
Bellamy laughed and hugged her back. “See now, everythings not so bleak is it Princess?”   
Clarke drew back, looked him in the eyes, and kissed him.  
Bellamy stiffened at first, but then kissed back fiercely. Hands going around Clarke to hold her closer. They kissed for a while before Bellamy drew back. Clarke whimpered but he moved away. She felt cold and drew back under the cover, disappointed. Bellamy turned around and smile. “Oh we will be exploring this more Princess, I can promise you that. But I would like to know you think I’m real before we go any further. That, and they are watching you to monitor your condition, and I’m not one to put on a show.” He chuckled.  
“I didn’t see you minding a show at the dropship” Clarke muttered petulantly. Bellamy laughed, full throated, it was wonderful to hear. “I was young, and a bit of an idiot back then if you remember.”  
“I only thought you were an idiot for a bit.” Clarke retorted. “You sort of grew on me, like a fungus.” She couldn’t help sneaking peeks at his smile. He looked good smiling, she missed that.  
Jackson entered the room looking surprised at the happy atmosphere. He smiled as well and then after a quick checkup on Clarke recommended she rest some more before leaving. Clarke took his advice, lying back down to sleep, but this time she held Bellamy’s hand as she drifted off. And this time, she didn’t have any nightmares.


	6. Drawing my demons out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Harper love because she was waaaay underrepresented on the show! And a surprising discovery made at Clarkes base camp.

***Clarke***  
Over the next few days Clarke recovered. But by the 3rd day she was going crazy. Well crazier. For the past few years she had spent everyday hunting and fighting, never staying in one place for long. Her only constant had been the hut, which she would return to for one night after each death. She got to have a quiet day after she died where nothing would try to kill her. But now stuck in a room, confined to bed, with nothing to do but talk? Clarke hadn’t spoken to anyone in so long, she felt like she had run out of things to say. They kept wanting her to open up, share her experiences, her feelings. And she alternated between wanting to scream at them to leave her the fuck alone! Or residing in the numbness she knew so well. As much as she loved having her friends back. She needed to move, to have space, she didn’t feel safe.   
Every morning when Clarke woke, she kept her eyes shut tight. Hoping that she hadn’t woken up from this new reality. That she could have one more day with her friends. But by nightfall, she would be biting back harsh words and planning ways to escape. But Clarke had learnt patience. Living on her own, she had learnt that haste meant an empty belly, or a dangerous encounter. Better to watch, study and plan for the right moment to strike. So she stayed outwardly calm. Accepting all the medical tests and telling her friends carefully selected stories of her time alone. She had seen Murphy’s reaction to her tale and so steered away from the gorier parts. She talked about the times before they got too bad, things like finding the berry patch, or when Bellamy had built a hammock and almost cracked his head open because the supporting pole broke. She enjoyed spending time with Bellamy, though they hadn’t gone any further physically. She told him a bit more, about how hard the loneliness hit sometimes, and how she’d search the sky hoping for a glimpse of the ark. She was constantly touching him to reassure herself that he was really there and was afraid he would get annoyed. But he was the same, holding her hand, running fingers through her hair, stroking her cheek. She loved this new Bellamy, she feared this new Bellamy. Part of her was starting to believe this might be real. She didn’t remember ever having such a long consistent hallucination before. They generally tended to start and stop, or added things to her environment, but never completely took over. But that fear was still there under everything she did.   
One day when she was complaining of boredom, the other woman came back, Diyoza, Clarke thought her name was, she watched her warily.  
“So I hear you’re going a little stir crazy.” She said smiling.  
Clarke nodded “A little”. She had heard about Diyoza from the others, a strong leader who had managed to work together with a bunch of criminals and found a way to make peace after landing in the valley. Someone she could admire, but someone to be careful of also.  
Diyoza motioned to a man outside the door. “We were exploring the north area of the valley when we found a house, your home?” Clarke tensed at this which did not go unnoticed. “We didn’t mean to pry, but Echo was with them and she gathered a few items she thought might interest you, and give you something to do.”  
The man brought in some paper, charcoal, and pictures. Clarke grabbed them with a muttered thank you and quickly looked through them to see which ones they had brought. She breathed a sigh of relief as she saw the smiling faces of her friends looking up at her. Maybe they hadn’t found the others, she thought she had hidden them well. She looked up with a smile and repeated her thanks, more sincerely this time. Diyoza nodded before she left.   
Once she was alone she started to sort through her pictures, and was startled when a small voice next to her said “What are those?” She’d forgotten Harper was there she was so quiet. She liked that about Harper, she never pushed her to share stories, or had to fill the silence with chatter. Realising she had been sitting there just looking at Harper who was now looking uncomfortable, Clarke cleared her throat, “Sorry, these are some sketches I drew when I was lonely. I didn’t want to forget your faces.”  
“Can I see?” Clarke nodded, handing over the pictures. Harper looked over them, exclaiming in delight when she found one of her. “ You drew me?”  
“Of course Harper, you’re one of my friends.” Harper flushed, and bowed her head.  
“Thank you, you were always so busy saving everyone, I didn’t think you thought of me like that.”  
Clarke smiled sadly. “You were one of the original 100. Every one of you holds a place in my heart. And those that are still standing? You are my family, my closest friends, you are an amazing person Harper, as Monty well knows, and while we may not have hung out per say, we have been through more together than most people will ever know.”  
Harper smiled sadly at the mention of the 100, but then blushed at Clarkes dig about her and Monty. “How did, you haven’t, are we that obvious?”  
“Yea” Clarke chuckled, I’ve only seen you together for a few minutes, but when you talk, you mention him an awful lot. Don’t worry though, I can’t get him to shut up about you, unless he’s talking about algae.” Clarke laughed, and Harper joined in. Then Clarke took out her charcoal and decided to draw a picture of what she pictured Harper and Monty were like together. Harper kept looking through the pics occasionally commenting on one or the other. And tactfully not mentioning how every second or third pic was of Bellamy.  
……………………………………………………….  
**Diyoza**

Diyoza was smiling as she left the med bay. It had been a good idea to give Clarke something productive to do, something to take her mind off planning an escape. She wasn’t stupid, and as a former prisoner she knew the mindset. She had seen Clarke eyeing the guard changeovers, and that she’d kept a couple of knives from her meals. She wasn’t to concerned though with the shock collar she was sure Clarke couldn’t get far. Her face darkened though as she thought of what else Echo had brought back from Clarke's hut. Echo had been a spy, so it hadn’t taken long for her to find Clarke's hidden pictures. She wasn’t sure why she’d hidden them if she’d thought there was no one to find them, but anyway. These pictures numbered much more than the few she had given to Clarke, and had a decidedly darker tone. Neatly arranged in a book-like format they seemed to show Clarke's decent into madness, and painted a bleak picture of what she’d been through.  
The first few pages of the books were pictures of her friends like before. But halfway or mostly through them Clarke had gotten angry or upset and scribbled them out. After that came images of her friends with angry or sad faces. At one point animals started to be drawn, rough at first, but then becoming more detailed as Clarke got more familiar with them. Then came the pictures of her friends again. But this time they were injured and dead. A picture of Raven, stomach torm open, eyes wide and unseeing. One of Emori trapped under the water, reaching desperately for the air above her as she was dragged down by a dark shape. One of Harper, crying over Monty’s body with blood still dribbling out of it’s mouth, a dark shape creeping up behind her ready to strike. One of Bellamy, looking as though he was peacefully sleeping, except for the slash across his throat from a sharp blade and his left arm missing from the elbow.  
On and on they went, one after the other, until suddenly they stopped. The last two were of Raven and Bellamy as Clarke had described. Raven a tired and despairing look on her face with a slashed throat. And an angry Bellamy with a knife in his heart. Then came the self portraits.  
This time you could see a girl who could be Clarke in the pictures. She never drew the face, only the back and side profiles. But it seems that each time she died, she had drawn a picture of it. Either as a macabre sort of record, or maybe to try and get the memory out of her head. Diyoza didn’t know. But there were a few of these. Enough that Diyoza was worried at how many times Clarke’s mind had concocted new ways to kill her. She took them to her office and called Marcus. If he was going to treat Clarke he would need to see these.   
Marcus arrived and Diyoza showed him the pictures, explaining where Echo had found them. He sat down heavily in the chair across from her and rubbed his beard frowning. “Honestly I’m in over my head here.” He said. “I’ve been reading the files from the Elgius as well as the psychology books, but I don’t know where to start.”  
“It looks like Clarke may have been doing a little art therapy on her own” Diyoza pointed out.  
“Yes, but I’m not sure how to encourage her to continue. You said she looked upset when she thought you might have found these pictures so you didn’t tell her?” Diyoza nodded. “Then she probably won’t feel comfortable drawing these sorts of pictures while she’d being monitored. I might approach her and try to find a way to tell her we have these without upsetting her too much. She’ll find out eventually and it’s better if we are open about it.” Diyoza nodded again then changed topics. “How’s Abby doing?”  
Marcus smiled “Good actually. I ended up telling her we’d found Clarke, but wasn’t comfortable letting Abby see her until she was clean. Didn’t want to upset Clarke. It gave her motivation and now she’s working with Jackson instead of against him. She just needed something to fight for.”  
Sadness shone in his eyes and Diyoza sighed. She knew how Abby and Marcus felt about each other. But apparently that hadn’t been strong enough for Abby to fight her way out on it’s own, and he knew it. At one point she’d thought about going after Marcus herself, he would be a good father figure. But he was head over heels for Abby, even if he sucked at expressing himself.  
“Ok, so we have a game plan. You work on Clarke, maybe work up to letting her walk around camp, under guard of course. See how she does with a bit more stimulation.”  
“Ok” Marcus nodded and stood up. “And thank you for showing these to me. I wouldn’t recommend the others seeing them just yet though.”  
Diyoza agreed and then they both went back to their respective problems. His the two sick women in his life, and her, the rest of the surviving bloody human race.


	7. Escaping my demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke hits a bad patch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad day = lots of angst people! be forwarned!

**Clarke**  
Clarke had a bad feeling. Ever since Diyoza had mentioned visiting her camp, she’d been worried about what they’d found. Her records were there. Hidden, not very well she admitted, but hey. After things had gotten bad, she’d had no way to release the pent up emotions inside her. She’d taken to drawing the pain away. It had helped sometimes, other times when she was so numb she felt like she was encased in ice she had found herself pouring over the pictures to try and feel something, even if it was pain and guilt. She’d ended up hiding them, mostly from herself as if she could hide away all the horrible things she’d done. It had made her laugh sometimes, how much she’d changed. Up on the Ark, art had been her solace. She’d drawn landscapes and beauty that she had never thought she’d see. She’d drawn hope. Now that she had seen the beauty of the world for herself, all she could draw was death. Clarke stood up and started pacing the room. Marcus was there, watching her, they were always watching her, like some animal caged for their amusement. Clarke could feel herself spiraling. She had been remarkably stable emotionally for almost a week now, so it really shouldn’t have come as a surprise. At least she wasn’t falling back into that awful numbness, at least not yet. It would probably come after her emotions wore her out. But for now, she embraced the anger, starting to mutter under her breath as her pacing sped up. From the corner of her eye she could see Marcus leaning forward concerned. He reached a hand out to catch her and she spun to face him snarling.   
“Don’t touch me!” He drew back quickly trying to calm her down with soothing words. “I need to get out, now! LET ME OUT!” Clarke screamed. She turned towards the bed and grabbed one of the knives she’d secreted away before heading for the door. The guard there was already watching her warily. “STOP WATCHING ME!” she stalked towards him. He was a younger male, shaven head, and a kind face she saw absently. His eyes widened, and he fumbled at his belt. She reached towards him with the knife and felt the electricity run through her from the collar. Her body spasmed and she dropped the knife, falling to her knees. She saw the guard relax and the pain stopped. She surged back up and into him, knocking him over. He dropped the remote and she kicked at it before getting up and running into the hallway. She took off as fast as she could, ignoring the shouts behind her. She turned down corridors blindly until she saw sunlight shining ahead. As she ran towards it she could hear people pursuing her. She wondered why they didn’t shock her again and realized the remotes must have a short range. She grinned and continued towards freedom. The door was suddenly blocked by two large figures. Clarke didn’t know these men and felt no guilt as she slipped the other two knives out of her sleeves and kept racing towards them. The one on the left lifted his gun and aimed at her so Clarke slid low and cut along his leg as she got close. She swept out her leg and knocked the guard on the right off balance before knocking his head against the door frame. Dazed and in pain they couldn’t stop her as she continued out of the ship.   
Once outside Clarke paused momentarily to flinching away from the suns brightness. It’s rays pierced her eyes and she could feel a dull throbbing start behind them. She shook it off and headed towards the forest. Ducking round people and jumping over obstacles, Clarke heard shouts of surprise and alarm coming from around her but kept a laser focus on the forest ahead. She had almost reached the edge of the clearing when a voice penetrated her focus. “Clarke, Stop!” It was Bellamy’s voice. Clarke stopped running, glancing across to where Bellamy was coming out of a tent. He held his empty hands up in peace as he walked slowly towards her. “Clarke, calm down, you can’t run off like this, where will you go?” Clarke frowned, she hadn’t thought that far ahead. She shook her head, glancing between the forest and Bellamy. “Please Clarke, come with me. We can find somewhere quiet to talk.” Bellamy was closer now and held out his hand to her. Clarkes brain was getting fuzzy. The rush of emotions couldn’t sustain her for long, she’d forgotten how weak she’d gotten. She hesitated taking a small step towards Bellamy who smiled at her. “Yes Clarke, that’s it.”  
Just then Clarke glanced over Bellamy’s shoulder to see Echo coming out of the same tent he had been in. Memories of them together, laughing at her pain, flaunting it in front of her crashed over her and her face hardened. She stepped back and turned towards the forest ignoring Bellamy’s “Please” and fell to the ground when electricity struck again. This time she didn’t fight it, and let the darkness take her.  
……………………………………………………………………………….  
**Diyoza**  
Diyoza wasn’t surprised. Clarke had been recuperating remarkably well, and from memory, recovering from a mental illness was never that easy. However, she was surprised by how far Clarke had gotten and how easily. She shot a glance at Shaw who had officially been removed from guard duty. He was too soft, always had been. One of the reasons he’d survived the prisoner’s takeover. (Besides them needing a pilot to stay alive) was because he was weak and had been nicer to the prisoners that the other guards. Clarke had been returned to her room, and left with more stringent guards. The only reason she hadn’t been able to escape had been her attachment to Bellamy. Their talk had given Diyoza time to make it outside and bring Clarke down. She had been about to run, and it had taken Diyoza a look at the security footage to see what had caused it. Echo coming out of the tent behind Bellamy. What was going on there? Echo had spent time with Clarke, watching over her. Sure not as much as the others, and Clarke had been a little more reserved with her, but she put it down to them not knowing each other well. She felt something tugging at her mind as she headed back to her office. She took out Clarke’s pictures and went through the first few again. The ones that had been scribbled over or scratched out. As she looked at them more closely she saw the one she had remembered. A picture of Bellamy and Echo, sitting next to each other by the campfire. Holding hands. Another jumped out at her, Bellamy’s face smiling softly down at a girl. She had thought it was Clarke given their obvious closeness, but now looking harder, she could see the profile was slightly different, although she couldn’t see the face as it was scratched out.  
‘Ah’ Diyoza thought. She must have imagined them together. It was clear to see how much Clarke cared for Bellamy, but her mind had obviously used this as a weapon against her as well. She was looking through some of the other pictures to see if she could gleam any information off them when the door to her office swung open and Bellamy stormed in.   
“Why did you shock her, I was talking her down!”   
‘Shit’ Diyoza thought as she tried to casually cover the pictures on the desk without him noticing. “No you weren’t, she was about to run, and I have the security footage to show it.”  
He turned towards her and she held up a hand. “She saw Echo come out of your tent, and I think you two were a thing in her mind. I know you’re not, but it set her off and she would have run.”  
Bellamy ran his hands through his hair.”Dammit, how did she pick up on that?”   
Diyoza raised her eyebrows.  
“Not that” Bellamy explained reading her expression. “We were just, convenient partners. Up on the ark there was a very small dating pool, and everyone else had paired off. Six years is a long time to go without companionship. We were never anything more though.”   
‘Maybe not in your mind’ Diyoza thought, remembering some of the looks she had seen Echo give Bellamy. “It’s fine Bellamy, I understand. And I’m not sure she’s picked up on anything. But you have to remember, her mind was playing tricks on her, one of them might have been a relationship between you and Echo.”   
Bellamy frowned again. “But why would she think that we were still?” His voice trailed off as something caught his eye. He stepped forwards and Diyoza cursed internally. He reached out with a trembling hand and picked up a picture. It was one of the more peaceful ones. With Clarke lying in a meadow, flowers and butterflies surrounding her. And blood running out the side of her mouth into a pool by her body. Ok, not so peaceful.   
“Clarke?” Bellamy whispered and started to move the papers on the table.  
“Bellamy, I wouldn’t” Diyoza tried to hold his hands, to stop him, but he brushed her off and kept looking. The next one he unearthed was of Monty. He was in the middle of being torn apart by what looked like overgrown wolverines with six legs. And another, and another.  
“Where did you get these?” He asked appalled.  
“From Clarkes camp.” Diyoza replied simply.  
“Echo found them with the others?” He looked up at her and she nodded. “Why didn’t she say anything?”  
“I asked her not to.” Diyoza replied  
“Why?”  
“Because I wasn’t sure if you could handle it. If Clarke could handle it.”  
Bellamy looked confused.   
“This is a small part of what she lived through, of what she saw. We need her looking to the future, not remembering the past, and these are just a reminder of those dark times. And, some of your friends may not appreciate seeing the myriad ways in which they died in her mind.” Diyoza smiled grimly. “So, please, for now. Can we keep these hidden? I’ve shown Marcus so he can help Clarke better, but I don’t think the others need to know."  
Bellamy’s hands which had been sorting through the pictures stilled. He had found the ones of his and Raven’s final death. He stared at them for a long moment before nodding heavily. “I think you underestimate the strength our friends have.” He stated. “But these are Clarkes personal drawings, and I will wait until she is ready to show others.”  
Diyoza heard the emphasis there. The loyalty to his … whatever. And smiled again. “Well now that that’s decided, do you want to see the footage of Clarke’s escape? And it might be a good idea for you to be open about your previous relationship with Echo so she doesn’t get them mixed up in her mind again.”


	8. Telling stories of my demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is numb and lets more information slip.

**Clarke**

Clarke was numb. An awful, bone deep apathy that left her staring blankly at the wall for hours as she just existed. A side affect of the heightened emotions before she thought dispassionately. It had happened this way before. As though the rage would come and sweep her body and mind clean, leaving nothing in its wake. Kind of like Primfaya wiped all living things off the Earth. Well almost everything.  
She could tell her friends were concerned, but she didn’t care, she didn’t make an effort to reassure them or converse with them. When Bellamy visited and gently tried to explain the situation between Echo and him on the Ark she nodded mechanically and muttered something that sounded understanding. It would all hit her later she knew, but for now she was nothing. Just a block of wood floating along with the tide. When Marcus came in to see her he studied her for a while, taking in her calm face and motionless body. He sat down by the bed and started to speak.  
“As you have probably guessed, everyone is worried about you. Whether or not you believe we are real, we want you to get better. Unfortunately, we have no one who specializes in psychology, so you’re stuck with me.”  
He looked at Clarke who looked back calmly and cleared his throat. Yes, well. Can you explain to me how you are feeling now? And maybe go into a little more depth about your experiences over the past few years?”  
Clarke shrugged. Now was probably the best time for that actually. She wasn’t scared or angry and could tell the facts without getting emotional. So she started.  
“Right now I’m numb I guess you could say? I don’t really feel anything or want to do anything. It happens sometimes after I get very emotional. Like a consequence, or maybe I empty my emotions out. I’m not explaining it very well.”  
“No, no.” Marcus said. At some point he’d gotten some paper out and was taking notes. “This is good. We need to know how you are feeling if we want to help you.”  
“I don’t feel like I need help, I don’t feel much of anything.” Clarke replied. “It’s not so bad, but it won’t last long. The worst is when I get cold. It’s like the numbness but deeper, and it hurts. Other times I’m fine, and sometimes I get overly emotional as you saw before.”  
Marcus nodded as he scribbled something down. “Can you remember when your hallucinations first started?”  
Clarke thought back. “It was a few months after Primfaya. I used to talk to Bellamy on the radio. It didn’t work but it helped keep me sane, stopped me from killing myself, thinking they were still out there somewhere. When I found the valley, maybe after 4 months? I kept talking to them. After a while I stopped using the radio and just talked to them whenever. I think it was probably another 2 months? Then they started talking back to me. It was only auditory at first, then gradually they started to appear. I knew they weren’t real, but I was lonely. It wasn’t bad at first, they kept me company and we had fun. It wasn’t till later things got bad.”  
Clarke stopped talking. She knew when the numbness wore off she would be horrified at what she had told Marcus, but the logical part of her recognized that this was necessary for her to work towards health. Funnily enough it was when she was numb that she most strongly believed this was all real. Hallucinations had always had a hard time reaching her when her emotions weren’t involved. She took a breath and continued.  
“It started with my friends. They started talking about the dead. People killed because of me, Jasper, Finn, Lexa, Charlotte etc. Bellamy told me he couldn’t be close to me because it would get him killed. They distanced themselves from me and I got lonely. Murphy was actually my best friend then. He understood me, wasn’t afraid to go hunting with me. Then the beasts started coming.”  
Marcus nodded, and before Clarke started to speak again he said “Clarke, I’ve seen the pictures you drew. We found them at your camp. Can you tell me about them?”  
Clarke nodded. “At first it was because I needed to find a way to not get worked up each time someone died. I knew they would come back but it still hurt, I still tried to save them. After a while it became habit, and then once they were gone and I started dying it was like a ritual. After each death I could go back to the campsite because I wouldn’t be attacked for a day or two. I had to draw my deaths, partly to make it seem less real, more like a story, and partly to keep a record of all the ways I could die. I was interested to see how far I could go before it stuck.”  
Marcus was frowning now, still writing down notes as he listened, glancing up at her occasionally. Clarke could hear how her voice sounded. Flat, unfeeling, like a robot. But she didn’t have the energy to fake feeling. She lapsed into silence then. After a few minutes Marcus looked up once more.  
“And the cuts?” He asked tentatively, “Can you tell me about them?”  
“They were when I felt too much. Hurt too much. Mostly when Bellamy and I fought. Or I saw him with others. I’m done talking now.”  
And Clarke turned her head away and closed her eyes. She had said enough, maybe too much and a part of her was dreading how she would feel when her emotions came back. The rest of her didn’t care. She heard Marcus sigh as he stood up. “Thank you for speaking with me” he said softly and left.  
Once he left Clarke opened her eyes and stared at the wall again. She would hold on to the numbness this time she thought, just a little longer.

…………………………………………………………………………………

**Diyoza**

Diyoza felt like she was eavesdropping, which she was, kind of. It had become a new habit to end each day by going to the security room and watch the footage of Clarke. The guards had started putting together clips of the important conversations throughout the day for her to see at the end. After Bellamy had found out about the pictures, she had invited him to watch with her. He needed to know what was happening with Clarke, and it had helped him believe that she wasn’t hiding any other information like the pictures from him. Marcus had come to her after his talk with Clarke today. He had been happy she was willing to share some information, but disturbed by what she told and how she told it. “It was like she had become a completely logical being, not affected by anything or anyone. She was reciting facts about her past but not really owning them. I’m afraid we might have another little meltdown when she comes out of this state and remembers the conversation. All the emotions may hit her at once and overwhelm her.”  
When Bellamy turned up to join her that evening, Diyoza was very tempted to ask him not to watch. But it would probably be best if he could deal with his reaction before they had to deal with Clarkes. Having both of them controlled by their emotions at the same time may create an even worse situation. So before they sat down she tried to warn him, to soften what he was about to witness. “Clarke is not feeling much at the moment. Maybe in a reaction to last night. She talked with Marcus a bit, but she may get emotional later when her emotions return to normal.” Bellamy nodded, but she wasn’t sure he understood. So she sat down and signaled the guard to start. Watching Clarke she was disturbed by what she saw. She never realized how Expressive Clarkes face was. Even when she was trying to keep calm, her eyes gave her away. But now there was nothing there. It was like her personality had been stripped away and left a Clarke shaped doll behind. As she listened to Clarkes voice she got chills down her spine. It was so cold, uncaring. She sounded like Diyoza thought a psychopath would. In this state, Clarke would be capable of anything, and have no remorse or guilt over her acts. It may have been developed as a self defense mechanism for when she needed it, but now it was taking over. It was dangerous, for herself and others, and for the first time Diyoza wholeheartedly wished that Clarke could make a full recovery, and soon. Diyoza was so engrossed in her thoughts she completely missed Ballamys reaction beside her. He had stared at the screen fists growing tighter and tighter until Marcus left. Then he stood up and left abruptly, not saying anything. Diyoza woke up as he stalked through the door, hurriedly standing up to follow him. He walked through the halls like a tightly wound ball of anger. He hesitated at the turnoff to the med bay and Diyoza knew she would have to stop him if he went towards Clarke. But then he growled and marched outside. He grabbed a rifle and stalked towards the forest. He stopped at the edge and turned towards her. “I’m going hunting, Alone. I won’t do anything stupid, I just need to think.” Diyoza stepped back and nodded letting him go. But as he disappeared into the trees she looked over and motioned to Murphy who was standing nearby. He came closer “Lovers spat?” He asked sarcastically.  
Diyoza shook her head and said quietly. “He learnt some stuff about Clarke, follow him, give him space, but make sure he stays safe.” Murphy’s face had grown serious. He gave a curt nod before grabbing a gun of the nearest guard and then trotting into the woods on Bellamy’s tail.


	9. Sleeping Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Octavia and Clarke have a heart to heart.

**Clarke**

The next morning Clarke woke with a rush. The previous days events rushed over her and she began to panic. She couldn’t breathe, Oh god she couldn’t breathe! Why had she said that, told Marcus those things? And Bellamy, Oh god Bellamy. Even in this reality she'd still lost him to Echo. And she was starting to believe this was reality as much as she both longed and feared for it to be.  
Clarke was woken from her panic by a sharp pain as someone slapped her, hard. She looked up in shock to see Octavia standing there. “Breathe Clarke!” she ordered, and Clarke did, taking in one shaky breath after the other. As she calmed down she looked up at Octavia and gasped out “Thanks.”   
“No problem, I didn’t want my brother hating me even more for letting you die on my watch.” Octavia said, but she softened her words with a smile. Clarke let out a huff of air that might generously be called a laugh and then lay back down and just breathed.   
After a while she groaned and put her face in her hands. “Oh my god, I can’t believe I said all that yesterday.”  
“All what?” Octavia asked.  
“I thought you were monitoring me? Don’t you guys know everything that happens?” asked Clarke in return.   
“No, Yes you’re being monitored but only Diyoza, Marcus, the doc, and probably Bellamy get to see everything. Privacy and all that shit.”  
“’Oh” Clarke replied. But then “Oohh” she looked at Octavia. “Do you know what Bellamy saw yesterday?”  
Octavia was sad. “We’re still not on the best of terms, we don’t talk much. But he was pretty upset last night and left to go hunting. He stayed out most of the night. I think he’s still sleeping it off. Why?”  
“I was in a bad place yesterday. Sometimes I get kinda numb, and I can’t feel anything. So when Marcus asked me some questions I answered. I didn’t care cause I couldn’t feel the emotions I normally feel. I said more than I should have.”  
“That sucks.” Octavia agreed, “and might explain Bellamy’s reaction. But maybe you needed to tell someone this stuff. You’ve always kept everything inside Clarke. You tend to run away from your feelings. We saw that, especially after Mount Weather. But you have to let them out somehow. Or they’ll eat you up inside.” Octavia silently took her bracelets off her wrists and showed them to Clarke. There were jagged scars underneath showing where she had tried to slit her wrists. “After things got bad in the bunker, before I learnt to cope, I tried to get rid of the pain by taking my life. Indra found me, told me I had to be strong, to not let my emotions get the best of me. But she was wrong. I tried to be strong and became Bloodreina. You became Wanheda. We both have new options now, better ones, so if you want to talk, I’m here. I won’t judge. You can hardly have done worse than I did.”   
Clarke studied her for a long time. She liked this new Octavia. She was older, and sadder, but more mature, and open to finding a better way. Life had rubbed some of the righteous stubbornness out of her and given her the ability to bend without breaking. Clarke pulled up her sleeves and showed Octavia. “There’s more on my thighs. I never had the courage to go deep enough to kill.” Tears started rolling down her face, “I just wanted the pain to stop, and this helped some how. I needed real pain, to know what was real when I couldn’t tell the difference anymore. I think this might be real, and part of me is starting to believe it. But part of me thinks I’ve finally gone completely mad and I am lying in the woods somewhere slowly starving to death. Or maybe I died, and this is heaven, or a new kind of hell. I can’t tell anymore, and it scares me. I’m always so scared” Octavia hopped up on the bed next to Clarke and wrapped her arms around her as they both wept. After a while they both calmed down and Clarke started laughing. Octavia was confused “What’s so funny?”  
“Who would have thought that Octavia Blake, the rebellious younger sister of Bellamy Blake would ever grow up, and that she’d become my confidant?” Clarke asked.  
Octavia grinned “Well who would have thought that Clarke Griffin, Princess of the Ark, aspiring doctor and savior of the Skycrew. Would ever need anyone's help?” She shot back.  
“We make a pair don’t we” Clarke said softly. “Thank you. I know you are still dealing with your own problems and now you are helping me with mine. But I feel like you understand me. We have both become someone else to survive, someone we didn’t like, and gotten through it. The only other person who I feel understands might be Murphy, but he’s Murphy so…”  
Octavia smiled. “Yea I get it. But what about Bellamy. He understands you.”  
“He’s too close” Clarke sighed. “What we have, or I think we have, means we will forgive each other, unconditionally. We have both done horrible things and forgiven each other for them, but I’m still afraid. That even if this is real, what if we’re not? What if I want there to be something between us so desperately that my mind is making me see things that aren’t there? I mean more than usual?”  
Octavia shook her head. “No, it’s like you told me. Bellamy will always forgive me eventually, and the same goes for you. Whatever you’ve done that you think he can’t forgive you for, he can. And you are definitely not seeing anything that isn’t there with him. You two belong together.”  
"I stabbed him in the heart Octavia. He couldn't stand being around me any more, couldn't stand dying again. And I just stabbed him in the heart. I didn't even feel anything. I was so cold. How could he not hate me?  
"A couple of reasons. One; you were hallucinating and you didn't actually stab him in the heart. Two; He could never hate you enough to want you to kill him, no matter haw bad it got. Three; Even if it did come down to it he would always offer himself up first to die if it meant you could live. And four; If he can forgive me for killing real people for not obeying my order and so we could eat. He can forgive you for killing a few imaginary ones to survive, even if they did look like him."  
Clarke nodded, only half believing her, but then lunch came and interrupted them. They ate together and then Murphy came to watch her.

Murphy was tired, and grumpy. “Apparently he’d spent most of the night tracking the little princeling who had run off with his panties in a twist (his words exactly) and had only gotten a few hours sleep. When Clarke asked why he called Bellamy a princeling he had replied “You’re the Princess and he’s your Prince, duh” as though it was obvious. Clarke has blushed but had offered to let him sleep as she was planning on having a nap herself. Her heart to heart with Octavia had worn her out. Murphy was grumbling about sleeping in a chair, so she had invited him to join her on the bed. He had seemed surprised and s bit suspicious, but she had laughed and said. “I don’t have designs on you, but you’ll sleep better on the bed. And I don’t have as many nightmares when I know someone’s there.” She said the last bit softly, almost too quiet to hear, but Murphy’s face softened slightly, and he’d hopped up next to her. She’d fallen asleep with her head on his chest, listening to his heart beat, and feeling his warmth beneath her cheek. So comforting, and real. She didn’t notice Bellamy poke his head in the door and stiffen at the sight of them together.

…………………………………………………………….  
**Diyoza**

That evening Bellamy approached her to watch the days videos again. He seemed almost urgent about it. She hesitated, but he reassured her he’d dealt with his reaction to yesterdays video and he could keep his emotions under control. So they watched them together. She watched him more carefully this time, and saw the way he stiffened as he learnt about Octavia’s suicide attempt. His eyes glistened with tears as the two girls shared their stories and he smiled when Octavia reassured Clarke that his feelings for her were real. ‘Octavia might be out of the doghouse’ Diyoza thought. Brother and sister were too alike, never backing down and trying to be the top dog. Whenever they interacted they didn’t talk but snapped, and so whatever feelings they had were hidden from each other. Now Bellamy could see how much Octavia was hurting, and he saw her stand up for him even though they were fighting, and he softened towards her. ‘Clarke the peacemaker, even when she’s not trying to be’ Diyoza thought, and her heart started to hope that things could work out if Clarke did recover.  
She saw the way Bellamy stiffened when Murphy entered the room and thought ‘what’s happening there?’ but when she saw the interaction between Clarke and Murphy she understood. Although she didn’t think there was anything romantic happening, just two broken people who knew they could lean on each other. By the end she thought Bellamy understood that too and he relaxed and even let out a smile at the two sleeping peacefully. ‘All in all, not a bad day.’ Diyoza thought to herself as she stood. She needed to sleep. Being a leader while pregnant was exhausting.


	10. Friendly Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has another hallucination. This time of an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning people, I cried writing this, so I expect tears from you. (Unless you hated our guest character for the day, and then I must say to you Booooh!) lol

**Clarke**

Clarke had been drawing. She had been overcome by a need to draw the faces of the 100, to make sure she could remember them all even if they had never really spoken. At first she drew the few that were still alive. ‘They sent us down to die’ she reminded herself with a spurt of anger, it just took longer to kill us than they thought it would. Then she started on the dead. She started with the two that died on the way down. She had trouble remembering their faces, she’d never actually learnt their names that she could remember. For the first to die they had made remarkably little impact on the group. Maybe because they hadn’t formed bonds of friendship yet, maybe because their deaths were out of stupidity, or they were just to excited to care. Clarke didn’t know but it saddened her that their deaths had gone basically unmourned. Not that she really needed more deaths on her conscience. But someone had to own them, to remember them, or they would be lost. She felt a sense of urgency when she thought that and became so involved with drawing the lost that she basically ignored everyone around her for 3 days. Trina, Pascal, Atom, Wells, Charlotte. Sometimes it would take two to three tries to get it right, Clarke screwing up the pictures and starting again when she couldn’t get the details right. This happened more often on the deaths of those she was closest to/felt the most guilty about. Charlotte, Wells, Finn, she added Maya in there because she had died trying to save them. When she reached Jasper she stopped. She was trying to draw the faces of times when they were happy, to remember them as they once had been. But with Jasper it was hard. He’d been happy for only a short time. Then between getting speared in the chest, captured by Mount Weather, falling in love with Maya only to have her die in his arms and returning to Arkadia he’d lost that spark of joy he’d once had. Clarke tried again and again but she couldn’t quite get him. He always came out sad or angry as she remembered him. In some ways she felt like she had killed him twice. Stealing his joy of life from him long before failing to save him from his own despair. His and Charlotte;s deaths had hurt worse in some ways than the others. They didn’t die fighting, protecting anyone, or for anything. They just died because she couldn’t stop them from giving up. On her 3rd or 4th try to draw him Jasper appeared in the room. “You’re not very good at this are you?” he asked.  
“At what?” Clarke muttered back trying to get the curve of his smile right.  
“Honouring the dead. You’re more comfortable with making people die in the first place, not dealing with the aftermath.” Jasper smirked.  
“Look if you’re going to annoy me fine, but can you at least model for me so I can get your picture done?”  
Clarke heard Harper asking who she was talking to but ignored her. Harper went to the door and said something to the guard then trotted off down the hall.  
“Why should I?” Jasper snapped back. “Maybe I want you to remember me like this, to remember the pain you caused, not some fairytale version where we all smiled happily.”   
“That’s not what this is about.” Clarke said quietly trying to keep her temper.   
“Then what is it about Clarke? Cause I can’t see the point of what you’re doing.”  
“It’s so you aren’t forgotten!” Clarke shouted standing up and going over to him. “So people will remember you and what we sacrificed to get here. So they have a reason to not make the same mistakes that we did! So they remember the good parts about you and not just how you died!”  
“Well maybe that’s what I want them to remember!” Jasper shouted right back at her. “Maybe they should remember what we lost. You should remember everything you took from me! Oh yes, you feel guilty now. But you should have thought of that before you killed everyone! Before the only way I had to escape was death! Before you kill everyone else that you love when you go crazy again.” Jasper suddenly calmed down and gave a smirk.  
“What do you mean?” Clarke asked, suddenly nervous. She stepped back from Jasper “I’m getting better.”  
“Are you Clarke? You’re talking to a dead man right now. How do you know you won’t go crazy and start killing everyone here? In fact, how do you know that this is even real?”   
“It is real, it is.” Clarke clutched the sides of her head.  
“Is it?” Jasper was suddenly behind her whispering in her ear. “Or did you finally snap and go off the deep end? Maybe you already killed everyone here and are just imagining them being alive?” He disappeared again and was over by the bed, looking at the pictures.”  
“I’d give up on my picture if I was you, I don’t think you’ll be able to fake me a smile.”  
Then he disappeared. Clarke collapsed to the ground sobbing. “It’s real, it is real” She said trying to convince herself. But she wasn’t sure. She stood up looking around, she grabbed the clipboard the paper was on and managed to snap a piece off. She sat on the bed and dug the sharp edge of the wood into her arm drawing a bloody line across it. “This is real.” She murmured to herself as she felt the pain flow with the blood. She started on the other arm when she heard a shout and looked up to see Marcus and Harper enter the room. Marcus ran to her side and grabbed the wood shard off her as Harper ran back out calling for the doctor.  
“Clarke, why?” Marcus asked as he roughly wrapped her arms in sheets and put pressure on the wounds.   
“I couldn’t tell if it was real.” Clarke said as she blinked up at him sleepily. She must have cut deeper than she realized she thought drowsily. The blood loss was hitting her quicker than usual. “The pain lets me know it’s real” She whispered before fainting.  
Marcus stared down in pity at the young girl on the bed, even as he tried to stop the bleeding. What had she gone through that cutting herself was the only way she could tell if something was real? He couldn’t imagine being alone all those years. Even though life in the bunker had been hell. At least he hadn’t been alone.  
As the doctor rushed in and stabilized Clarke he turned to Harper. “Thank you for coming to get me Harper. If you could stay with her a little longer? I think Bellamy should hear what has happened from me.” Harper nodded and he headed out.  
………………………………………………………………..  
**Diyoza**

Diyoza was making the rounds when she heard a commotion from the med bay. She sighed, what new disaster had struck now? She headed towards the noise and bumped into Marcus Kane leaning against the wall with closed eyes and bloody hands. “Marcus? What happened?” she asked.  
He straightened up and said simply “Clarke”   
Diyoza sighed in annoyance “What now?”  
Marcus shook his head. “I’m not sure exactly what happened. Follow me I need to find Bellamy and then we can look at the security footage.”  
Diyoza followed him as he found Bellamy in the armory. He was about to head out on patrol when they pulled him aside, and quickly found a replacement when they requested him to join them. As they headed towards the security room Marcus explained. “A little while ago Harper came to get me. She was on watch with Clarke when she started to speak to someone who wasn’t there. Harper thought it might have been Jasper. When Clarke wouldn’t respond to Harper's questions she decided to come and get me.”  
Bellamy frowned. “She shouldn’t have left Clarke alone.” He said.  
“I’m glad she came to get me Bellamy, she probably couldn’t have stopped Clarke and we managed to get her help in time. But I agree, we need to have a runner or someone near who can act as a messenger when needed. The guard can’t leave his post in case Clarke is faking to escape, and leaving her alone might not end well the next time. Maybe we can get some of the younger teens to act as messengers.”  
Diyoza nodded and added that to her mental list of things to do. “You still haven’t explained what happened.”  
“I didn’t see what happened” Marcus replied, "only the aftermath. That’s why we are here." And he stopped outside to door to the security room.  
“This may be highly disturbing Bellamy, I need you to try and remain calm Ok? Clarke is resting and shouldn’t be disturbed right now.”  
Bellamy looked worried his fists clenching and unclenching at his side. He took a deep breath and nodded. “If I get upset I’ll go hunting or work it off before I visit Clarke.” He promised.  
“Good” Marcus nodded and opened the door to go inside.  
Inside the guard watching the monitors stood as they entered. “I thought you might be coming.” He said. “I’ve set up the tape ready to watch. Is she going to be Ok?” Diyoza looked at him. It was the pilot, Shaw, the one Echo had said was getting close to Raven. “I thought we took you off guard duty?” she said. The boy flushed and bowed his head. “I’m good with computers, and they said I didn’t need fighting skills if I was watching the monitors.” Diyoza nodded her head. “Clarke will be fine with some rest. Let us watch the video.” As Shaw turned to leave, she said teasingly. “And when you talk to Raven, tell her Clarke is resting and she can visit tomorrow.” Shaw flushed again but nodded his head and left.  
Diyoza motioned for the others to sit as she maneuvered her way into a chair. Sitting was becoming more uncomfortable as she put weight on her bladder but standing hurt her swollen ankles. ‘Ah the joys of motherhood’ She thought to herself and then refocused her thoughts on the problem at hand. Bellamy lent forward and started the video.  
It wasn’t bad at first, just an offhanded conversation with a person who wasn’t there, but it escalated quickly and though Diyoza didn’t know much about this Jasper fellow, it seems that Clarke believed he hated her before he died. Her attempts to immortalize the faces of her fallen friends had turned on her and brought her guilt to life in some way. By the time Clarke collapsed to the ground whispering “It is real, it is” Diyoza was near tears. Of course she blamed it on the hormones from her pregnancy. No way was she crying at the sight of the broken girl in that room. When she returned to the bed and snapped the clipboard Diyoza was tempted to close her eyes. She knew what was coming, had suspected it since she saw the blood on Marcus's hands. But when she saw Marcus rush into the frame and ask why and heard the girl reply “I couldn’t tell if it was real" she had to turn her head to hide the tears falling from her eyes.   
She allowed herself a moment of weakness before wiping her face and turning back towards the other two men. Marcus was gathering himself as well but Bellamy was unashamedly letting the tears run down his face.  
“How can we help her?” He asked brokenly. “I don’t know how to help her with this.”  
Marcus gave a shuddering sigh. “We need to understand where this is coming from.” He said “I remember Jasper was troubled, but I don’t remember how he died. He didn’t make it to the bunker with us.”  
Bellamy sighed. “He committed suicide before Primfaya.” He said. “You have to understand. Jasper was a great guy, when we first came down he was full of life. He saved Octavia’s life once, and helped Monty make moonshine for the delinquents. He was happy. Then he was speared through the chest by grounders and left up as bait to die. This was before any truce talks. Clarke managed to save his life, but he had trouble recovering from it. When they were captured by Mount Weather, he wanted to believe they were our friends. He believed what they were telling them and he fell in love with a girl there, Maya. When she found out what they were planning to do. She and her family found others that were willing to help and hide the others so they weren’t killed. When Clarke and I let the radiation in to save our friends, she died in his arms. He blamed Clarke and Monty for that. After that he never really recovered. He became the guy you knew Marcus. An angry alcoholic. He helped us in the fight against Alie for a while, but then he took the chip because she promised to make the pain go away. He committed suicide rather than go into the bunker, said we were the problem. Clarke felt a lot of guilt over his death because he blamed her for the death of everyone in Mount Weather, and so did she. When he committed suicide it was another failure on her part to save someone she loved. Clarke hid it well whenever something was happening. When she had to be strong, to lead, she was able to push it all away and do what she had to do. It was when things were quiet, when she had nothing to distract her mind that they would overwhelm her. It’s why she left after Mount Weather, she needed to be alone to process. But after Primfaya, she had six years of alone time to blame herself, with nothing to distract her.”   
They fell into silence as all three thought about what to do next. After a while Marcus stood up. “I’m going to check on Clarke. Bellamy are you up for that?”   
Bellamy nodded looking somber.  
“I’m going to recommend she be sedated for a while, long enough for her wrists to heal a bit. We don’t want her opening them up if she gets upset. Can you organize the messengers Diyoza? And Bellamy, once you’ve seen her, talk to the others. I’ll leave it to you to decide how much to tell them. But the topic of Jasper is off limits to Clarke for now. I will try to approach it next time I talk to her alright?”  
Bellamy and Diyoza nodded and followed him out of the room. Diyoza could feel the dynamics of the coalition changing. Before they had all discussed ideas and recommendations, but the others were all subdued, as if they had had enough of leading. Now to protect Clarke, they were each stepping up into their roles, emerging from their own little worlds to care for another. It was good in some ways, they would be much more useful as active participants in the leadership. But dangerous in others, as she could feel the power shifting. They had deferred to her before, more out of a lack of caring who was in charge rather than actual respect. Now she would have to earn their respect if she wanted to stay in a position of power. That or learn to deal with a coalition that actually worked. Considering the only way she knew to earn respect was through fear. She may have to live with the second option as the other members of the coalition didn’t scare very easily.


	11. Demon of sickness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has another hallucination, we learn something new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, fair warning, I have very little medical knowledge so I'm making this up to suite the story! And BTW Thanks so much to everyone who has left Kudo's or a comment!

**Clarke**

Clarke was groggy. She hated the feeling because she was normally up quickly in the mornings, and the few times she had felt like this had always had bad connotations, illness, drugged, or captured. For a second Clarke felt dread wash over her as she opened her eyes. She was in a white room, was she back in Mount Weather? Had it all been a dream? But then she saw Murphy sitting next to her and relaxed. He hadn’t been caught by Mount Weather. But then why was she so groggy?  
“Hey princess, heard you tried to off yourself again.” Murphy said as he saw her eyes open. Clarke's brows furrowed. Had she? She looked down at her wrists to see them bandaged. Then the memories came flooding back. She turned towards Murphy. “Na, just a little mental breakdown, nothing too serious.” She tried to joke back and was rewarded with a small smile. “Well if you’re all good you probably don’t need me here to watch your lily-white ass.”   
Clarke gasped mock offended, and then grinned. “And what would you do if I was attacked by another imaginary person? Mock them to death?”  
That made Murphy laugh out loud and reply “Touché princess.”  
They settled down then occasionally bickering good naturedly back and forth while Clarke did some more drawings. She left Jasper’s alone for now, not wanting to set herself off. But as if that episode had released some sort of pressure that had been building up, Clarke was fine for almost a week. It had gotten to the point where she was allowed out of the quarantine for walks around camp. She’d got to visit Raven’s workshop and see her new projects. Do a bit of light sparring with Octavia. (Though they wouldn’t let her do too much, didn’t want her ‘pushing’ herself) And take walks with Bellamy around camp as they reconnected. (All while supervised of course) She felt free. In a way she hadn’t felt in a long time. No life or death situation on the horizon, no conflict between her and Bellamy, and seeing all her friends safe and happy. It was too good to last. Just over a week later, on a walk with Bellamy around camp, she saw a flicker in the corner of her eye. She turned her head to look and saw something moving in the shadow of the trees. She tensed up a little and Bellamy noticed, turning to look at her “What’s wrong?”  
“Nothing” She replied, not wanting to ruin their walk.  
Bellamy wasn’t fooled and took her hands looking her in the eyes “Clarke. You know it’s important you tell me, or someone if you see something. We can’t help you if you don’t tell us when somethings wrong.”  
Clarke bit her lip staring sadly at Bellamy then sighed. “I can see some of the beasts in the woods. They’re circling the camp.”   
Bellamy looked up, searching the wood as if he could somehow see what she was seeing. After a while he looked back at her. “They aren’t entering camp, or attacking anyone?”  
“No” Clarke said “Just circling.”  
“Ok, then we will leave them for now. They can’t hurt you if they stay out there, and you’ll tell me if anything changes right?”  
Clarke nodded as he wrapped his arm around her and continued to walk. But they kept well away from the edge of camp, and Bellamy always made sure to put himself between her and the beasts which was sweet, if futile.  
The beasts kept to the edges of camp the next few days. Every time Clarke went outside she could see them. But she did her best to ignore them, hoping this time they would go away. But they didn’t. Clarke grew tenser as the days passed and the other noticed. One day when Marcus was having one of his ‘talks’ with her (he was trying to figure out how to help her with things like meditation and visualization?) he brought it up. “What do you find most upsetting about the beasts being around the camp Clarke?”  
She thought for a bit. At first she’d answered his questions flippantly or angrily, but nothing seemed to wear him down. He just kept asking in that same patient tone that made her want to scream sometimes, but at others made her want to bare her soul to him. So in the end she’d learnt to take his questions seriously and answer that way too.   
“I think that they’re there, but not doing anything. They’ve never gone this long without attacking before. I’m not sure what they’re up to.”  
“Maybe they can’t reach you with all of us here?” Marcus offered.  
Clarke shook her head. “No, they’re smart, once they managed to drag Bellamy and Echo off in the middle of the night without anyone noticing. And we were all sleeping in the same room. No, they’re planning something.”  
“Ok Clarke, but I need you to try and remember that they aren’t real, and whatever they do, they can’t actually hurt anyone here, except you.” Marcus had a serious look on his face that Clarke studied before nodding “I’ll try.”  
But as though talking about them had broken the silent truce they held, that night Clarke heard the clicking of claws as a beast made its way down the hall to her room. She sat frozen in her bed, trying to convince herself it wasn’t real, but when she saw the muzzle come past the door frame she broke. She had nothing to defend herself with and it was a bearcat. The first beast she had encountered and one of the nastiest. It liked to eat it’s prey slowly, while it was screaming.   
She turned to Echo who was sitting with her silently. “I need a knife.”  
Echo shook her head, “Sorry Clarke, can’t have you hurting yourself again.”   
Clarke groaned in frustration and then stiffened and turned around to see the bearcat had snuck up while she was talking to Echo. It leapt up on the bed and she rolled herself off the other side with a startled scream. Landing on her back she heard Echo’s shout but was too focused on the beast staring at her from the top of the bed. It crouched to pounce on her and she barely managed to get her feet up in time to catch it and throw it against the wall. “Echo, the knife!” She yelled as it got back to it’s feet dazed. Echo looked conflicted before swearing softly and tossing a knife to Clarke. She moved to the door to speak quickly to the child on messenger duty as Clarke grabbed the knife and turned back towards the threat. It leapt at her again but Clarke quickly rolled out of the way and then leapt towards it as it slid on the metal floors. She grabbed the fur around the neck and swung herself onto its back as she stabbed towards the eyes. It bucked and threw her over it’s head and she fell with a yell. Her head hit the ground hard and she was dazed. It stopped her for a few seconds which was enough time for the bearcat to grab onto her left wrist and bite down, hard. She screamed in agony as she brought her right hand still holding the knife up and swung at it. She managed to get it in the side of the neck and the knife was jerked out is it reared back, letting go of her hand. She pushed herself up and went for the kill as it backed away. She aimed for the eyes again, and this time she didn’t miss. She felt the hilt thunk against the eyesocket and the beast fell with a whine. She collapsed to the ground and immediately started tearing at her shirt to make a bandage. She was wrapping it around her arm, above the wrist to stop the bleeding when Marcus arrived. He crouched down next to her and asked softly “Clarke?”  
“Mmmfph” She replied, one end of the bandage in her mouth as she pulled it tighter.   
“You’re going to cut off the circulation if you do that.” Marcus remarked.  
Clarke tied of the bandage one handed and replied. “Well unless I wanted to bleed out that was the point. It almost bit right through my wrist.”  
Marcus took her injured hand gently and Clarke hissed in pain.   
“Clarke, you’re not injured” Clarke looked at him as if he was insane. “No, listen to me, you had another hallucination. You though something attacked you, but there’s nothing there. I need you to close you’re eyes and visualize it, like we practiced.”  
Clarke didn’t want to but she closed her eyes. “Now, I need you to make yourself believe it wasn’t real Clarke, can you do that?” Clarke grimaced, playing along, but his grip tightened on her arm and she winced “Try, Clarke!”  
“I’m trying!” She snapped back before taking deep breaths and trying to centre herself. After a few moments her heart started to calm down, and the adrenaline wore off. She opened her eyes and looked down at her arm. It was still bandaged, but underneath the skin was clean and undamaged. She smiled incredulously and looked up at Marcus before a sharp pain in her brain made her scream and curl over clutching her head. She heard Marcus yell “Clarke!” and looked up at him with pleading eyes, begging him to make the pain stop. He reached down and ran a finger under her nose bringing it back up black with blood. “Fuck, Echo get the doctor!” he yelled, and then the pain overwhelmed Clarke and she fell unconscious.

………………………………………………………………………………..  
**Diyoza**

After the new development everyone met with Jackson to discuss it. He entered the room and sighed sadly. “It was always a possibility that Clarke’s hallucinations weren’t caused by mental illness.”  
“What do you mean?” Bellamy demanded. They’d had trouble pulling him from Clarke’s side, but he needed to be here.   
“The fact that snapping her out of a hallucination caused pain and bleeding means that there is a possibility that Clarke has a tumor. We can’t be sure without checking, but I’ve got Raven working on a way to use the xray machine we have to do an MRI also. It’s a long shot, but if I’m right, Clarke has a tumor in her brain that has been growing since at least primfaya.”  
“How?” Bellamy again.  
“Well Clarke said the nightblood saved her, but she still took damage from the radiation. This meant the nightblood couldn’t stop everything, and damage Clarke couldn’t see could have been done to her brain. A tumor makes the most sense given the symptoms she told us about. The hallucinations started off auditory, then moved to visual and then the other senses as well. This would correlate more with a slowly growing tumor than with immediate damage caused by radiation that never healed.”  
Diyoza stepped forward. “Ok, saying you’re right, and saying Raven can get an MRI working” Raven scoffed at that. “If you find a tumor, what can you do? Chemotherapy isn’t really an option here.”  
“No, our best option would be surgery.” Jackson replied. “And I will need Abby for that. She’s recovering nicely, but I’m not sure she’s up for that.”  
“She’ll have to be if she wants to save her daughter” Diyoza replied. “Why can’t you do it?” she asked Jackson.  
“Brain surgery wasn’t exactly an option on the Ark, it wasted to many resources. I need Abby there to check my work, and to help if anything goes wrong. Both of us would be working off theory as neither of us have ever performed the operation before. But the only alternative would be pain relief, and drugs until it killed her.”  
The mood in the room was somber so Diyoza stood up. “First things first, we have to confirm the theory. Raven, get started on the MRI, Jackson I want Bellamy with you when Clarke wakes up. She’ll need someone there to support her. Marcus, I’ll get you to break the news to Abby. Make sure she knows what’s at stake if she relapses. Everyone else continue what you were doing.”


	12. Exposing my Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some different POV's as the crew rallies to save Clarke.

**Raven**

Raven was screwed. She had to somehow turn an xray machine into an MRI with limited knowledge on how both worked. She had descriptions from some of the Elgius crew. Apparently it was a common machine before the nuclear fallout. But she had no technical specs or manuals. She was panicking a little after all if she couldn’t do this then they couldn’t help Clarke, and she would die again. And it would be her fault again. She’d always felt like Clarke being left behind the first time was her fault. She hadn’t talked about it much in the Ark. Clarke had been a touchy subject. But if her fix had worked, Clarke would have been back in time to go up in the rocket. But it hadn’t and she’d had to climb the tower to fix it, and been left behind. And if this machine didn’t work then she would die because of Raven again. Whatever damage was done to her was done because they left her behind to die, and she was not going to let Clarke down again, not after everything she had done for them. Ok, so Raven hadn’t always been appreciative of Clarkes decisions. But looking back without all the pain and emotions clouding her judgement, she could see Clarke had always tried her best. Even with Finn. She had given up her friends, her home and her life to protect them. And now it was their turn to protect her. Raven took a deep breath, she could do this, she was the youngest zero-g mechanic in history, one little machine wouldn’t defeat her. She started towards the table and paused as she heard someone entering the workshop. She looked up to see Shaw and Monty walk in.  
“Hey Raven.” Said Monty. “Do you want a hand with the machine?”  
“Oh thank God!” Raven replied as she smiled. “I mean, I could do it myself, but you two might help a little.”  
“Yea, yea,” grinned Monty, and they got to work.

…………………………………………………………………………  
**Marcus**

Marcus headed towards Abby’s room. As she had moved from detox to recovery she had been able to return to her rooms outside med bay. She was still supervised heavily to prevent a relapse, But it was also understood that she had to want to be free of the drugs, and so a certain freedom was needed to give her the choice. If it was before Clarke had returned, Marcus would have refused this outright, but Abby was actively trying to recover now so she could see her daughter. Marcus didn’t know how she would take this news and mentally noted to keep the medical supplies under heavy guard for the next two days. But she needed to know, she needed to be ready if they were going to save Clarke. He knocked on the door to her room and heard her “Come in.”  
Abby looked up as he entered a smile lighting her face. He still loved her so much, but was warier now. Her addiction had become the most important thing to her and it had hurt him. He held himself back a little now, not willing to invest to much in case she slid back down into that abyss. Abby’s smile dimmed a little when he didn’t smile back, but she rallied herself and asked the question on her mind. “How’s Clarke? Any improvement? Can I see her soon?”   
Marcus sat down heavily and braced himself for the fallout. “Abby, we need to talk.”  
Abby looked worried. “What’s wrong?”  
“Clarke had an episode today but I was able to bring her out of it. But when I did she said her head hurt, and she started bleeding from her nose. Jackson thinks she might have a tumor.” There, a bit blunt, but he’d said it.  
Abby gasped her hands going to her mouth, “No, not Clarke” she moaned.  
“Jackson thinks we might be able to save her.” Marcus said quickly before she dissolved into grief. Her eyes shot to his mind working rapidly as she thought through the options.  
“Raven’s working on making an MRI, and if they can pinpoint where the tumor is, he wants to try to operate.”  
“Brain surgery!” Abby exclaimed. “No-ones done that on the Ark! We don’t even have the theory!”  
“The Elgius ship had a full medical database” Marcus replied calmly. “Jackson is looking through it now, but he would like you there for backup Abby. You’re the only other qualified doctor and it’s too much for him alone.”  
Abby looked blankly at him. “Brain surgery? I can’t, I wouldn’t even know where to begin! Neither does Jackson! We could kill her!” She started to stand but Marcus grabbed her wrists and sat her back down again.  
“We know it’s not ideal, but if we do nothing, Clarke will die, slowly and painfully in a world we can’t reach. This is her only chance. Please Abby, you need to be strong, for Clarke.”  
Abby sat for a while then took a breath. “Ok, I will need access to the files, and Jackson and I will need to research. Oh God. Research how to operate on Clarkes brain without killing her.”  
Marcus nodded with a small smile. “Good. Like I said, Raven’s working on an MRI, so until that’s finished you have time, and maybe we’ll be wrong and Clarke just had a nosebleed.”  
Abby gave a dry laugh. “I doubt it, Clarke was never one to do things by halves. Ok,” she hesitated then looked up at Marcus. “Could you stay. Tonight? I could use the company” unspoken were the words that she was scared she would relapse on her own. “Of course” Marcus replied and gave a soft smile which she returned.

………………………………………………………………………..  
**Bellamy**

Bellamy headed towards Clarkes room cursing inwardly. Why was it always Clarke? When things went to crap, Clarke was somehow always in the middle of it, trying to stop it, or solve the problem. But this wasn’t something she could solve. It wasn’t something anyone could. Bellamy had never been an optimist, and he knew the plan right now was based on a series of ifs. If Raven could create an MRI, if there was actually a tumor, if Jackson could figure out a way to remove it surgically without killing Clarke, if Clarke could even last long enough for all the other ifs to work. And even if it all goes smoothly, there are other implications. They would be messing with her brain, what if they damaged something and Clarke didn’t come back as herself? Or of there was no tumor and she was sick with something else? Or, well he couldn’t think of anything else at the moment, but that was enough. And now he had to tell Clarke, or Jackson was going to tell Clarke, but he needed to be there, to hold her, to, to, care for her. Bellamy was very tempted to ignore the cameras and devour Clarke while he still had the time, just in case. But that was selfish, and she was sick, and he loved her to much to reduce it to that. Fuck. He loved Clarke. He’d never really thought it out before, he’d just known that when they were apart, things didn’t work. They were better together, and it had killed something in him to leave her behind that day. Something that had started to breath again when he first heard her name from the search party, and had burst back into life at the sight of her face. He realized now it had been his heart. It had started to beat again with her return and now it was hurting at the thought she might die again. He couldn’t let that happen. He wouldn’t.  
As they entered Clarkes room they saw her sitting on the bed staring at the wall. She turned her head as they came in and smiled at the sight of Bellamy “Hey”  
“Hey yourself” he replied gruffly as he sat down next to her, he reached out to hold her hand as she grew serious at his and Jacksons demeanor.   
“Bad news I presume?” she tried to make a joke but faltered at the look on Bellamy’s face. She turned to Jackson and listened to him as he explained the situation. When he had finished he asked her if she understood what he’d said, she nodded dumbly and he left the room. She turned to Bellamy who was squeezing her hand tightly. “Well at least I know I’m not crazy.” She said.  
Bellamy huffed a laugh “It’s not funny Clarke.”  
“I know, but there is hope. I believe in our friends. Raven has always been a miracle worker and if my mum could guide me through surgery over a radio cutting in and out. She can handle this.”  
Bellamy nodded and fought an inwards debate with himself. He decided not to tell Clarke about Abby, she didn’t need to know unless, until she was better. But “I love you.” He blurted it out as though he couldn’t hold it in any longer. “I’ve loved you for a while now, I don’t know when I started loving you, I just never realized it until I thought you had died, and then it was to late, then we found you but you were sick and.”  
Clarke held up a hand to stop his rambling. “I get it, I love you too Bellamy.” He grabbed her and kissed her fiercely trying to memorize the feel of her lips. She kissed him back, just as passionately but then drew away. “Hey, this is not over. I believe we’ll get through this, and then we can have a proper relationship Ok? But for now, can you just hold me, please?”  
Clarke had tears in her eyes and he mentally smacked himself. She’d just learnt she had a brain tumor and he had to go and declare his love for her? She had enough to deal with right now. “Of course.” Bellamy hopped up onto the bed and put his arm around her. She laid her head on his chest and asked him to tell her some stories of his time on the Ark. He thought back to their time and picked a few humorous stories she might like. He stayed that way with her for hours, pretending not to see the silent tears that slowly dampened his shirt. Just sitting with her, stroking his hand through her hair as he provided comfort the only way he could. Eventually she fell asleep and he let a few tears of his own slip out where she couldn’t see before he joined her.


	13. Confronting my demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has an episode and Bellamy can't help her

*Clarke**

Clarke woke up feeling warm and peaceful. She was still in Bellamy’s arms and she chuckled a little as she felt his sopping wet t-shirt under her cheek. She hadn’t cried that much had she? She lifted her head to take a better look and then froze. His shirt wasn’t wet from her tears, it was soaked with blood. She lifted her gaze with dread to see the handle of her knife poking out from Bellamy’s chest. She gasped and reached out with trembling hands to touch it, noticing they too were covered in blood. Bellamy was pale and cold beneath her, the knife had gone straight through his heart. Clarke stifled a sob at the sight, this couldn’t be real. She reached out and shook Bellamy. “Bellamy wake up! Please! Tell me this isn’t real!”  
She shook him hard trying to get a response and jumped when his eyes opened. Joy sprang up within her only to be smothered at his next words. “Sorry Princess but this is all to real. You killed me, just like I always said you would,”  
“No, no! It’s not real, I didn’t mean to! Please!” Clarke started sobbing, begging for it not to be true. Bellamy moved towards her and she crawled backwards, falling off the bed. “No! Please, I want to wake up now, this isn’t real!” Clarke backed up into a corner but the thing (she couldn’t call it Bellamy anymore) followed her. “You took your knife and stabbed me through the heart Clarke. Did you really think there would be no consequences?”  
“That wasn’t real! It wasn’t the real you! You said so yourself!” Clarke sprung forward to fight but then shrank back into the corner as cold dead hands covered in blood reached out for her.  
“No? Or was that your minds way of making you feel better? I mean really Clarke? A brain tumor? Is that the best you could come up with? But, I guess you really are desperate to find a way out of this. But it won’t work Princess. Eventually you’ll have to admit the simple truth. You killed everyone else, and it drove you mad.” With a cold laugh the thing rose and backed away spreading it’s hands. “Oh look here come some white knights to save you! But can they save you from yourself? Or will the blood on your hands eventually rise up and drown you?”  
Clarke heard feet running down the hall, but as she looked down at her blood covered hands she was seized with the need to get them clean. She took the bottom of her shirt and started scrubbing at them, trying to wipe the blood off, but it refused to come, it had sunk into her skin, never to be removed. A visual stain to show everyone who saw just how many she had killed. When Marcus arrived he looked at the thing pretending to be Bellamy and nodded before coming to her side and crouching down.   
“Clarke, hey. Can you tell me what’s happening?”  
“You can see it?” Clarke gasped  
“See what?” Marcus replied.  
“That thing” Clarke quickly gestured towards it before resuming scrubbing her hands.  
“Bellamy?” Marcus queried confused.   
“He’s real? I really killed him?” Clarke was startled and afraid. She shrunk back in on herself and started to cry.  
“No Clarke! He’s not dead, he’s standing right there.” Marcus tried to reassure her.  
“But I stabbed him in the heart. Can’t you see the knife? The blood won’t come off!” Clarke was scrubbing her hands so hard she could feel the skin giving away, but the blood wouldn’t leave. Marcus grabbed her hands to try and stop her but she fought him, she had to get them clean. Murphy and Echo ran into the room and Marcus barked at them to help. Together they managed to hold her down so she couldn’t clean her hands and Clarke started to cry. “Please, it won’t come off!”  
Marcus sat next to her and started talking. “Ok Clarke I need you to tell me what happened when you woke up. Remember what we told you yesterday?” Clarke nodded. You may be having more hallucinations because of the tumor so I need you to tell me what you saw.”  
Clarke nodded again, hoping desperately for it to be true. She was so confused. “When I woke up Bellamy was dead. I stabbed him through the heart, I didn’t mean to!” She started crying again. “Then he woke up and he said I made it all up, that I killed everyone and now I killed him to. I’m sorry! Please I didn’t mean to!” Clarke was losing herself again so Marcus quickly sorted through what she had said. “Shhh it’s Ok Clarke. You said he was dead when you woke.” Clarke nodded. “Where did the knife come from?” Clarke looked at him blankly. “It’s my knife.”  
“Yes. But we took all your weapons off you remember? So you couldn’t hurt yourself. So think Clarke, if you didn’t have the knife, then you couldn’t have stabbed Bellamy, and that means he’s not dead.” Clarke looked hopeful but then glanced at Bellamy and flinched. “But I can see the knife.” She whispered. “Ok” Marcus continued, “but if Bellamy was dead, he wouldn’t be talking to you would he?” Clarke hummed at that. Dead people talking to her wasn’t that unusual. “I mean, the real Bellamy wouldn’t be talking to you would he.” Marcus rephrased on seeing her uncertainty.   
That’s right, Clarke nodded. Real things that died didn’t come back. “Try looking again” Marcus said softly. Clarke bit her lip, but mustered her courage and looked again. There stood Bellamy, but the knife and blood were gone, leaving behind a serious face. “Bellamy?” Clarke whispered  
“Hey Princess” he replied with a hopeful smile. “Welcome back.”   
Echo and Murphy let go when Clarke struggled to break free this time. She lunged towards Bellamy and threw her arms around him. “I’m sorry.” She sobbed. “please don’t hate me.”  
“Never” Bellamy replied as he hugged her back. They stood that way as the others left the room. Marcus saying he would come back after a while. They just stood there until Clarke was certain that this was real, Bellamy was real, and then she relaxed a little. Bellamy suddenly bent and scooped her up in his arms. She squealed a little and he carried her back to bed before joining her. “Don’t leave” Clarke grabbed his arm and begged as he turned away.   
“I won’t leave you Clarke, I’m just going to see if we can get some food. I’ll be right back.”  
Clarke reluctantly let go and he was back in minutes, they sat together on the bed in silence for a while before Clarke spoke. “Bellamy, I need you to promise me something.”  
“What is it Clarke?”  
“If I go crazy and attack someone, I need you to stop me Ok?”  
“Clarke”  
“No, I need you to promise me Bellamy, I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt someone, if I hurt you. Please?”  
Bellamy sighed. “I promise, but I won’t kill you Clarke, we’re gonna get through this like we always do. Together.”  
“Together” Clarke smiled and took his had intertwining their fingers together as she relaxed. She was safe with Bellamy. She laid her head on his shoulder and smiled.

………………………………………………………………………………..  
**Bellamy**

Bellamy woke up to Clarke shaking him with tears in her eyes. He instinctively reached out to hold her but she flinched back from him. Backing away until she fell off the bed and then continuing until she was in the corner. He quickly signaled the guard to send a runner to Marcus and slowly approached Clarke. “Hey Clarke, can you tell me what’s happening?”  
“That wasn’t real! It wasn’t the real you! You said so yourself!” Clarke sprang towards him and he reached out again only for her to look horrified and shrink back into the corner. “Ok, I’ll stay back here. But you need to tell me what’s happening Clarke.” But she didn’t respond “Clarke I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s happening.” He looked up as he heard footsteps running down the hall. When he turned back to Clarke she had started scrubbing at her hands and he frowned. What was that about? Marcus burst into the room and looked at him. He summarized what had happened quickly and added. “she won’t respond to me, I’m not sure she can hear me.” Marcus nodded and knelt by Clarke. As they talked Bellamy’s heart broke once more. She thought she’d killed him again. Couldn’t see that he was standing right here. After she’d calmed a little and Marcus made her realize what had happened she threw herself at him and held him tight. He clutched her back just as tightly vowing to never let her go again. When she asked him to stop her if she ever attacked anyone he wanted to refuse, but he knew she needed his promise, needed to feel safe in the fact that he wouldn’t let her hurt anyone else. But he made a silent vow to her as well. That even if she did go full blown crazy. He would never let anyone else hurt her either. Even if it meant taking her and leaving. Nobody would ever be allowed to hurt Clarke on his watch again.


	14. Screaming Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finds out the prognosis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, bit of a short one, getting into politics which I hate, but can't be avoided for this story. :p

**Clarke**

Clarke could see the worry on Bellamy’s face. Her hallucinations had been happening more often and Jackson had said that wasn’t a good sign. She’d had a few minor incidences since the big one with Bellamy, but nothing too serious. Raven had been working around the clock and thought she might have a working prototype, so they were going to try it out. Clarke wasn’t sure what to expect, confirmation or denial were equally bad. On one hand she would need brain surgery, but could be cured. On the other hand she didn’t need brain surgery and was just crazy, possibly incurably. After going through the procedure (the machine was amazingly loud) she waited on the results nervously. When Jackson came to tell her the news she clutched Bellamy's hand tightly.   
“Well, we think we have identified the tumor. We are working on a way to remove it safely, but we hope to operate soon as it is quite large and pressing on some of the important parts of the brain. Abby asks if you would be willing to see her?”  
Clarke suddenly found it hard to breathe. She shook her head to focus on what Jackson was saying. Her mum right “Umm, yea, maybe tomorrow, I just need some time” He nodded and withdrew as Clarke focused on taking a breath.

“Clarke? Are you okay?” Bellamy asked leaning in to see her face. She gripped his hand tighter.  
“I don’t know if I can do this. I can’t breathe.” She started to gasp for air as it all started to overwhelm her. Bellamy yelled for the runner to get Marcus then took her face in his hands.   
“I need you to focus on me Clarke, breathe with me okay?”  
She tried, she really did, but it was getting noisy in here. She put her hands over her ears to shut out the noise but it just got louder. She started to listened to the words and realized in horror it was her friends, family, Bellamy, all screaming at her. Every word they had said in anger now repeating itself in a loop over and over as they shouted at her.

“You crossed a line, their blood is on your hands and I’m afraid you won’t be able to wash it off this time.”

“People die when you’re in charge.”

“You’re the only murderer here.”

“What did you do?”

You killed her, I pulled the trigger but it was you.”

You’re suffering will be worse, what you did tonight will haunt you until the end of your days.”

“You burned my brother alive in a ring of fire.”

“Shove your regret up your ass.”

“You’re always trying to save everyone, but what you don’t realize is, you’re the one we need saving from.”

“Guess you should’ve tried harder.”

“We see you for what you really are.”

“This is on you princess, you should’ve kept your mouth shut.”

And on and on it went. Growing louder and louder, until it was joined by the screams of the dying, those burnt alive, those dying from radiation poisoning, those dead from a missile strike she knew was coming. Louder and louder until she couldn’t hear herself screaming over the top of them. And she was screaming, crying, begging them to stop. Until suddenly, she felt weak, and the voices grew fuzzy as she fell asleep.

……………………………………………………………..  
**Bellamy**

Bellamy was by Clarke's side constantly now. When Jackson came to tell her the news he held her had and winced as her nails dug into the skin. When he left he realized something was wrong and sent for Marcus before trying to get Clarke to breathe. She panicked and something must have happened because she covered her ears and starting saying “No,no,no,no,no, I’m sorry, please stop, please.” He voice grew louder and louder until she was screaming shrilly and Bellamy couldn’t calm her down. Marcus ran in, took one look at Clarke and called Jackson back. She wasn’t responding to anyone, so in the end they had to inject her with a sedative and put her to sleep. Marcus looked worried and turned to Bellamy.  
“This one was hard, but it might trigger the reaction she talked about before. When she wakes up, call me. She might be in what she calls her numb state. It would probably be best if you don’t ask any questions until I get here okay?”  
Bellamy nodded not really understanding. The last time she had been like this he had been to distracted trying to explain about his relationship with Echo to really notice how bad it was. But from what the others had said she was just like a robot, but brutally honest. He didn’t see what was so bad with that, but he trusted Marcus. Jackson said she would be out for a few hours, so he took the chance to go take a shower and change before grabbing some sleep. He could deal with it tomorrow.

…………………………………………………………..  
**Clarke**

When Clarke woke up she was empty. She searched the room with her eyes to see Echo sitting in the corner. She was asleep and Clarke studied her. She was a good spy, but a bit led by her emotions. Clarke could appreciate that, and use it. Objectively it would be good to have someone like her on her side. She had noticed the attachment to Bellamy, more on her side than his, so she would follow his lead. Thinking about the situation she was in now she scowled. If the surgery was successful she would have to assimilate into this new society. Bellamy seemed to have backed down a bit from the leadership role, as had the others with this ‘coalition’. She scoffed to herself. It wouldn’t hold up long term. In the midst of war people could work together to find common ground for survival, but once peace set in cracks would start to show. People would fall back into old habits and groups would form. Not as strong and defined as they were in war, then it was an us or them situation. But during peace, it was moving with the advantage, backroom dealings and backstabbing. Without a strong and respected leadership, it would fall apart. 

From there her mind turned to Diyoza. She could tell the woman was smart. Weaker at the moment because of the pregnancy, but she had managed to control a group of criminals alone. But dealing with criminals and dealing with grounders was different. They had different sets of rules, and those differences would start to show at the smallest sign of conflict. They needed to create new rules that could be respected by both parties. As for leadership? They would need to decide on a system of choosing leaders. The flame wouldn’t work as it was a screwed up system anyways and bred resentment between nightbloods and those without it. Monarchies didn’t work as you couldn’t guarantee a leaders child would be a good leader. Look at Mount Weather. Democracy was an option, but opened itself up to manipulative power hungry people taking charge. And the strongest leader was not always the best leader during peace times. Maybe a testing system? Making sure possible leaders passed certain moral, emotional, logical, and physical tests before becoming candidates to narrow down the pool to acceptable standards?  
Either way she would need to discuss it with the current leadership, starting with Diyoza. She wasn’t stupid, she knew she was a threat, what she didn’t understand was why Diyoza hadn’t locked her up as a crazy lost cause, or simply had her killed. She stood up, intending to find out. Now was as good a time as any.


	15. Demon of politics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I'm not good with politics so this chapter took awhile. Back to the drama next chapter

**Diyoza**

Diyoza looked up at a knock from the door. She was currently sitting on the couch with her feet up, not the most dignified position. When she saw Clarke standing in the doorway she sat up straighter, putting her feet on the floor. A frisson of unease ran down her spine.  
“Come in.” she forced herself to say, gesturing to the chair beside her. As Clarke walked over and sat down she realized why she felt almost scared. Clarke was like a robot again. No emotion on her face, her movements quick and economical. ‘Fuck’ She had a good idea what the conversation was going to be about, and was in no way prepared to deal with it.  
“So what brings you here?” She strove for a lighthearted tone, to hide the unease she was feeling.  
Clarke stared at her, studying her for a bit which was unnerving to say the least before she opened her mouth. “This isn’t going to work for much longer” she stated.  
“What isn’t going to work?” Diyoza was puzzled.  
“This coalition. It’s to fragile, and has no set rules. That won’t work now you have peace. You need a strong government, one that works together. You’ve been treating everyone the same way you treat the prisoners. The grounders only follow you because of Octavia, and as soon as she stops feeling guilty about the bunker and starts to lead again your peace will fall apart.”  
Diyoza frowned. To be honest, she had been so focused on her pregnancy, Clarke’s threat to her, and keeping the prisoners in line that she hadn’t given it much thought.  
“What do you mean? Octavia is a part of the coalition and is working with us, why would that change?”   
“The grounders follow the strongest leader. You’ve heard of what happened in the Conclave?” Clarke replied, Diyoza nodded.  
“After the bunker and regaining their freedom, the grounders have been recovering. This peaceful way of life is a blessing. But Octavia is only their leader because of residual fear at the moment. Once they become more certain of themselves they will want a strong leader, and an Octavia who is bowing down to the coalition isn’t strong in their eyes. She will need to show her strength once again, and that means she will have to show she is in charge.”  
Diyoza thought it through, it was logical. But she wasn’t sure Octavia had it in her anymore. “I’m not sure Octavia wants to be in charge.” She said.  
“Octavia is scared.” Clarke replied bluntly. “She doesn’t want to become Bloodreina again, and that’s fair. We don’t need a Bloodreina now, just like we don’t need a Wanheda. We need a Commander.”  
“The commanders are all dead.” Diyoza replied, “Unless you know where the chip is?”  
Here it comes she thought, I knew she would want to be the leader. I have to stop her somehow.  
“No, the chip was destroyed, and I am not a good peacetime leader.”  
Diyoza was shocked, she had been gearing up to fight Clarke for power and now she wasn’t? She looked suspiciously at Clarke who noticed.  
“When my emotions are on, Clarke is tired. Clarke has no need to lead, although she will still be a decision maker. She only became a leader because she had no choice, and she would gladly put that burden down. She will stand up for those she loves, so if you don’t threaten them, and lead fairly she will support you. The best option would to become one of those she protects. But for now, she needs rest. She has fought death too many times, the next time, she may surrender.”  
Diyoza was disturbed by the way Clarke was talking about herself in the third person. It was like she considered herself with emotions as an entirely different person. But what she said comforted Diyoza in a way. If she could get Clarke on her side, then things would go more smoothly, and from what Clarke had said, she had no desire to lead. Diyoza would take that with a grain of salt as being purely logical did not rule out that she might be lying to gain an advantage.  
Diyoza nodded her head thoughtfully “Ok, then what do you think would be the best way to go about things?” She was genuinely curious. This version of Clarke wasn’t clouded by emotions, and had no attachments to any particular group. She was the perfect neutral party, as long as you didn’t give her a reason to feel threatened.  
“You need to from a government, Give each leader clear roles. I suggest Octavia be the hunting/discipline leader. Even though we are the last humans, there is no need to lose valuable skills, and it will be seen as acknowledging her strength without forcing her to fight. This area can cover disciplinary actions. You need to make some rules, set punishments for them. And follow through. A group should judge each case, like they did on old Earth, with arguments for and against. I think Marcus would be a fair leader for that. As for Bellamy, he can lead the education. He would make a good teacher, and setting up a formal education for the children will allow them to all receive training. Children should be taught most basic skills such as hunting, gather, farming, cooking and first aid. Once they show an area of interest or skill they can further decide on which path they want to study. However we must teach our history to all children. They must know our past, and learn from it. It is something we have failed to do, so we must let them make the change. Raven can run all things mechanical, give her a team to work with and she will make miracles happen. Jackson can run medical, I don’t think Abby will be ready for a leadership position, maybe she can teach the children. She was a good teacher. You will be in charge of the government. It will be up to you to sort out a system that chooses fair and capable leaders. No hereditary or democratic governments please, they are to easy to corrupt. I think each leader should have to pass certain tests in the field they have to lead, for example, a doctor must show his medical skills. They must also pass moral, emotional and logical tests to prove they are not corrupt. No fixed testing system as they can be cheated. More like testimonials of them as people from the others and then the other leaders can vote to accept or not. They must vote openly, and give valid reasons for their votes to avoid favoritism and back door dealings. That way leaders will be chosen based on their merits and not their background.”  
Clarke stopped talking and Diyoza sat there almost in a daze. This was a lot of information to take in, and yet it was theoretically sound. She had seen the damage the different types of government had done on earth before the first Nuclear Apocalypse, and the ones that came after hadn’t been much better. This was their chance to use the knowledge of both eras to correct the mistakes they had made. She had just one question.  
“Why do you think Bellamy would be a good teacher?” She had imagined him more in the judgement or punishment areas herself.  
“Bellamy taught Octavia up on the Ark, he loved history and he has a strong desire to protect others. If you put him in charge of the children, he will protect them with everything he has, and teaching will give him happiness.”  
Diyoza let out a little laugh, even without emotions Clarke still protected Bellamy, they really were made for each other.  
“Alright,” she nodded again “It sound good, but where do you come into all this?”  
Clarke tilted her head slightly “Objectively, I could do your job, but I think I may help Bellamy out, or in the medical section. Or I may just wander, don’t worry about me too much. I will decide once my emotions have returned. I will head back know. You have enough to work with and Bellamy will wake up soon.”  
And with that Clarke stood up and left. Diyoza smiled, a little offended, but also comforted. She had built Clarke up into this big threat in her mind, but she may turn out to be the one who helped her lead for real.  
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..  
**Clarke**  
Clarke was satisfied when she left Diyoza’s office. She knew the woman had thought of her as a threat, but she was smart, she could see the logic in what she had said. Moving forward Clarke could focus on healing without worrying about the others. They were in good hands, and she needed to survive before she thought of anything else.  
As she made it to her room she bumped into Bellamy running out the door. He grabbed her by the shoulders and asked “Where did you go?” a little frantically.  
Clarke replied “I had a talk with Diyoza, we’ve sorted things out.” Before heading over to the bed and lying down. She ignored Bellamy’s questions saying only “I’m tired now, I’m going to sleep” before turning over and doing exactly that, leaving Bellamy staring at her in something like amazement before heading off to see Diyoza.


	16. Old Demons vs New Demons

**Clarke**

Today was the day. They’d put the surgery off for a week so that Abby and Jackson could learn as much as they could, but they couldn’t put it off any longer. Clarke had a constant low grade headache now, and while she hadn’t had any hallucinations in a few days, her nose had started bleeding randomly. Abby said there was too much pressure on her brain and they had to operate before more damage was done. Clarke didn’t do well with goodbyes, so in the end she drew pictures for her friends, of moments of joy and happiness she remembered, friends they had lost who shouldn’t be forgotten, and wrote notes on the back of them. Things she wanted them to know in case she didn’t make it. Apologies and hope that they could survive, and make something beautiful out of the ruins of their past. But mostly apologies for the mistakes she had made, mistakes that had cost lives. And in Octavia’s case she drew portraits of Octavia and Lincoln living out a life together on the ground, as they had never gotten to do. It might be cruel in a way, but Octavia needed something to remind her of her gentler side. The love she had once held for others. And she knew in her heart that Octavia wouldn’t allow herself to find someone else. Wouldn’t open up her heart that way again. So at least this way she would have memories to keep her grounded. She’d even managed to finish Jasper’s portrait. As though the thought of dying had freed her from her crushing guilt. She managed a picture of Jasper and Monty, sitting next to the campfire at the dropship. Dopey grins on their faces as they sat with their friends in the middle of that stupid handshake they used to do. That one she marked for Monty. She knew he had loved Jasper and would appreciate a reminder of the good times.  
As for Bellamy. She didn’t know what to give him. She drew a portrait of them together, hand in hand as they watched a sunset. And on the back. Everything she had said to him that he had never heard,

‘Dear Bellamy.  
I hope you never have to read this. Because if you do it means the operation failed. And I either died or got lost in my head and you can’t reach me anymore.  
I’m Sorry. Forgive me for leaving you again, I know you will blame yourself, but this isn’t your fault. You did what you had to do 6 years ago, and I survived. You can’t be sure this had anything to do with Primfaya. Please don’t torture yourself. If you need forgiveness, then I forgive you. I will always forgive you.  
These last few days with you have been the happiest of my life. I would’ve preferred it if we had managed to get our heads out of our asses earlier so we could’ve got to the good stuff. But I just wanted to tell you that I love you. I have since I had to close the door to the dropship and thought I’d killed you. I realized you were my partner, and the only one who really knew me, and challenged me on it. We have been through so much together that words can’t describe. But now that I’m gone I’m comforted to know that you can move on without me. You managed once before, and I don’t want you wallowing in guilt this time okay? You have to live, make a life for yourself and be happy. For me. You have a family here who will love you and support you, and a chance to finally live in peace. Please forgive Octavia. You two need each other like fire needs oxygen. I love you  
I love you, I love you, I love you. I will never stop loving you. And if there is a place we go when we die, I will be there waiting for you. But if you arrive too soon. I will not be happy. Live a full life, have children, and love them as fiercely as you can. This world needs more people like you.  
One more time. I love you. I will miss you. I'm proud of you. May we meet again.  
Clarke xxx.

By the time she was finished the paper was wet with tears, but she thought she had written everything down she wanted to say. She packed them up and gave them to Diyoza to distribute. She figured she would be the least likely to be nosey, and if she was, oh well. There was nothing to sensitive in there anyway. Diyoza took the bag seriously and with a nod, after their talk the other day the dynamic between them had shifted. Diyoza believed she was not a threat to her power and had begun to view the girl with a grudging respect. In return, Clarke had made it clear that what she had said to Diyoza was the truth, and that she had no wish for a position of power. To be honest Clarke wasn’t entirely sure everything was caused by the tumor. 6 years alone was more than enough to leave people with some serious problems. And Clarke wasn't sure even if the surgery was a success she’d be 100%. But even if she was, she had never aimed for power. Her passion had always been in art and helping people. And maybe after this she could help Bellamy teach. Show the children around the valley and teach them how to create beautiful things of their own. She smiled at the thought. But that was for later. For now she watched as Emori shaved her head for surgery. Her hair fell to the ground around her, and she giggled as Emori held up a mirror to show she’d drawn a heart on Clarkes head. She had grown fond of Emori. The small girl was quiet, good at sensing moods, and loved to tell embarrassing tales of Murphy up on the ring. As for Murphy, he smiled around her. An open, happy smile that Clarke had never seen on his face. They fit together and Clarke was glad he’d found someone who understood his brokenness, and loved him even more for it. As she left the room she grabbed his arm. “Murphy?”  
“Yea?”  
“If something happens to me, take care of Bellamy okay? Don’t let him go off the deep end.”  
“Nothing’s gonna happen to you Clarke, you’re a cockroach, like me remember? We can’t be killed.” Murphy gave his signature smirk but grew serious when she pleaded.  
“Please Murphy, promise me?”  
“Fine Princess. But I reserve the right to smack him over the head if he gets mopey.”  
Clarke smiled at the image. “Give him one from me if it gets that bad,”  
And then she turned and left, leaving Murphy standing there with a troubled look on his face. 

**Emori**

“Why’s it always her?” Murphy murmured to Emoti. She looked confused.  
“Everytime things get fucked up, she tries to kill herself to save us. In Mt Weather, with the nightblood, with the chip, and then in Primfaya. Every time she risks her life. And every time she wins. The great Wanheda. I just hope she wins again.”  
Emori hugged his arm. He’d come a long way from the angry young man she’d met in the desert. She was glad to see him form strong bonds with others. And Clarke had an air about her, an aura almost that made you want to trust her, to follow her. Her 'goodness', was the only was Emori could put it, infected those around her, and made them want to be better. She hadn’t known Clarke for long, but like Murphy had said, Clarke had risked her own life with the nightblood to save her, and again in Primfaya. And since she had been taking her turn to sit with Clarke she had gotten to know her better. Her hallucinations had given her insight into Clarke’s mind. She could tell the other girl felt an enormous amount of guilt for all the lives she had taken. She often saw the dead and apologized for her actions. Emori didn’t really understand it, but Clarke seemed to feel a need to protect everyone around her. When she failed to protect people their deaths were like shards of glass piercing her skin, leaving behind jagged scars to remind her of her failures. She had come to care for this broken girl. She wasn’t optimistic that doctors could play with a person’s brain and not kill them. But she hoped for her survival, for Monty, and for the rest of the people she realized she called friends.


	17. Trapped with my Demons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said I don't have much medical knowledge. I tried writing the surgery but it was a mess, so you get this instead. Cheers!

**Bellamy**  
Bellamy sat tensely by Clarke’s bedside. Ha stared at her face taking it in. Without her hair her face was beautiful. Not to say she wasn’t beautiful before, but somehow the loss of her hair had forced him to see her beauty even more. He couldn’t really explain it except that her hair had almost been a reflection of who she was at the time. Coming down from the Ark it had been clean and tidy, reflecting her outlook on life. As times had worn her down her hair had become more matted and wild. After Mt Weather she had stained it red almost as a representation of the blood she had on her hands. As the great Wanheda, she had styled it as the grounders did, and let it grow longer with the weight of the burden she had felt. At some point after Primfaya she had lopped it off, giving herself less to deal with, losing the weight of responsibility she had to deal with. But his thoughts were wandering, trying to distract him from the truth. His eyes flickered to the bandages wrapped around Clarkes head. Damaged, like she believed she was.   
The operation had gone well Abby thought. They had removed the tumor from her brain and nothing serious had occurred (Not that Bellamy understood half of the words they were using but he got the gist). Now all they could do was wait and see how she responded when she woke up. If she woke up. It had been two days and Clarke was still unconscious. Bellamy took her hand and held it tight. He hadn’t left her bedside in those two days. He needed to be there when she woke up, and she would wake up, she had to.  
**Clarke**  
Clarke felt pain. Her head felt as though she had been stabbed and she was floating. It was dark around her and she tried to move, but couldn’t muster the strength. She floated like this for a while, not really aware, just existing. Slowly the pain receded to a dull throbbing and she became aware of noises around her. Low murmurs at first that became clearer until suddenly she heard Bellamy’s voice talking to her.  
“Come on Clarke baby. You can do this; I just need you to wake up please?”  
Clarke was confused, she was awake wasn’t she? But she was still drifting in the darkness, unable to move. As thought triggered by Bellamy’s words her memory suddenly came rushing back. The tumor, the operation, and now? Clarke tried to open her eyes, to reach for Bellamy, to do something, but nothing happened. All she could do was float and listen to the world around her. She panicked a little then. Was she trapped? Doomed to be forever alone inside her mind, able to hear the ones she loved but forever unable to reach them? If she hadn’t gone crazy before, this would surely do the trick. Clarke tried to scream and kick but only succeeded in wearing herself out. She slept for a bit after that she thought, but she couldn’t really be sure. This became a routine, listening to her friends, getting frustrated and fighting herself, tiring out and falling into a semi sleeping state. One day Abby came to visit. She sat by Clarkes bedside for a while, having successfully convinced Bellamy to go and have and shower and eat something. As she sat there she began to talk to Clarke, bringing up memories of their time on the Ark. She cried as she apologized to Clarke for her part in her fathers’ death, and for everything that had happened on the ground. Clarke was crying too, or she would have been if she had been in control of her body. She understood Abby’s actions now. She couldn’t back then but she had done much worse to protect those she loved, so who was she to judge. She knew the relationship between the two of them could never be fully repaired to the way it was, due to the actions on both sides, but maybe they could have a new start once she woke up. Abby stood up as Bellamy returned and leant over to kiss Clarke on her forehead. “I love you Clarke, please come back to us.” It was then that Clarke realized she had felt it. She had felt her mother kiss her forehead! At this realization she felt other sensations rush over her, the sheets beneath her hands, the hand Bellamy now held, and the pain in her head. But it was worth it. She could feel again, new hope sprung up in her, she was getting better. It was slow, but she was definitely getting better! She wanted to scream and shout, this time with joy, ‘Wait for me Bellamy, I’m coming back’.  
**Bellamy**  
It had been two weeks. Even with the nutrient IV they had had to put a feeding tube down Clarke’s throat to feed her. She was thin and pale, but at least she was breathing on her own. Apparently that was a good sign. Bellamy had given in after a week and gone back to his room to shower and sleep each night. But as soon as he woke up in the morning he would return to Clarke’s room to sit with her. He didn’t care if she couldn’t hear him; he was never leaving her alone again. Abby had said it might help to hear people talking to her; there were records of people responding to outside stimuli while in a coma, so every day Bellamy would talk to Clarke. After the first outpouring of emotion he stuck to slightly safer topics, telling Clarke stories of their time on the Ring. They had been there for six years so he had a few stories to pick from. But after a while he started to reminisce about their time on the ground. It had been hellish to say the least, but there had been good times. The first time they saw a deer, it turned out to have two heads, but still. Their time in the bunker, and under the jobi nuts influence. Sure it had involved killing Dax, but he would always remember her words afterwards and the time they spent together, just resting in each others company. The time she had run up to hug him after he returned to camp. And so on. Bellamy realized that nearly every good memory he had of his time on earth involved Clarke in some way (the other times were with Octavia duh) He spoke for hours on end, talking himself hoarse, until he almost gave up hope. Today Bellamy was feeling low, there had been no visible response from Clarke, and he had overheard the Doc talking about long term solutions. They just didn’t have the facilities yet to support an unconscious person in the long term. Bellamy sat down with Clarke and took her hand once more.  
“Clarke, please. I’m not sure how much longer I can do this. I mean, I will wait forever, but you may not last much longer if you don’t wake up.” He didn’t want to tell her that she may be left to live or die on her own if things didn’t change soon. He would take care of her himself if he could, but he didn’t have the medical knowledge to help her if anything happened. “Please Clarke; give me a sign, anything.” He pleaded. But when nothing happened he put his head down on her bed and exhausted, fell asleep. He was woken by Raven shaking his shoulder.  
“Bell, you need to go to bed. I’ll watch Clarke for a while, so please go and sleep properly.” He nodded wiping his hand over his face as he stood. He looked down at Clarke. “Goodnight Sleeping Beauty.” He gave her a kiss and then stepped away from the bed. Or he tried to. His hand was stuck. He looked down in puzzlement. He had been holding on to Clarke’s hand as he slept but when he tried to let go he realized he wasn’t the one holding on.   
“Clarke, baby, you in there?” He called excitedly leaning over her. “Come on, you can do it, open those baby blues for me.” Raven was confused until he held up their joined hands. “She’s holding my hand!” He said with a grin. “Get Abby”  
Raven ran off and Bellamy returned to studying Clarke. She hadn’t opened her eyes, but he felt a slight squeeze on his hand. He sat down again and stroked her cheek. “It’s Ok Princess, if you’re not ready to wake up, I’ll wait. Thank you for holding on.”  
Abby ran into the room at that moment, followed by Marcus and Raven. He held up their hands in triumph and said with tears in his eyes. “She’s holding on.”


	18. The light at the end of the tunnel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry for going MIA. Here is another chapter! We're finally coming to the end! I wasn't sure how to end it so hopefully you like this!

**Clarke**

Clarke couldn't really tell how long she'd been trapped inside her own body. After that first burst of energy, she sunk back into the dark for a while exhausted. When she finally had the energy to fight again she could hear Bellamy by her side encouraging her. It took a while but slowly she was starting to control her body. First her hands, then her head. She couldn't open her eyes yet, but she knew they believed in her and so she kept fighting. Every inch was a hard fought battle and sometimes she fell back down in exhaustion. But with Bellamy's joy at every movement she had to keep trying. It wasn't until one day when she turned over because she suddenly felt how uncomfortable she was in her current position that she realised how far she had come. As thought the joy of finally controlling her own body gave her that extra push, she managed to close that last gap and fit back into her place. Her eyes slowly opened, anticipating and dreading the light after so long, only to be met with darkness. She panicked for a second, maybe she was blind? Then she heard a noise from behind her and managed to roll over to see the silhouette of someone sitting in a chair in the weak light coming through the doorway. Clarke snorted to herself. So much for a dramatic recovery scene. She'd apparently woken in the middle of the night when her ever present guardian has succumbed to sleep.  
As her eyes adjusted to the light she saw Bellamy sleeping in the chair. She stayed quiet, wanting so badly to see his smile while at the same time recognizing the dark bags under his eyes and remembering his encouraging voice of the the past however many days. He had been there for her even when she had no hope. She should let him sleep. So she lay there watching him, memorising every detail of his face to draw later. She felt so much love for this man. The man who had never given up on her, not truly, who had supported her through some of the darkest times in her life and who, even when they fought over the right methods, had tried his very best to keep everyone she loved safe. She hoped this time, the world wouldn't end, and they could live their very own happily ever after, though it may be slightly different from the fairy tales. She may have been a Princess in the Castle once long ago, but she had also been Wanheda, she carried good and bad within her, the possibility of both life and death. She was no maiden that needed rescuing, but she was also no longer the villain, or at least that's what she would like to believe. Now she could just be Clarke, whoever that was. But one thing was constant. Whether he was he knight in shining armour, her prince charming, or her dragon. She trusted Bellamy would be there beside her, supporting and protecting her. As she would do for him.

Clarke was so lost in her thoughts she didn't notice when Bellamy's eyes opened. He looked at her sleepily before closing them again, only for them to shoot open a second later as what he saw registered. He stood up abruptly shocking Clarke back out of her thoughts. He stepped forward towards the bed almost hesitantly before saying "Clarke?"

Clarke let out a weak smile "Hey Bellamy." Before she squeaked in surprise. Bellamy had rushed over to the bed, almost jumping on her as he hugged her. She patted his back weakly as he clung to her. "Clarke, Thank God, you're finally awake." They stayed like that for a while before Bellamy drew back. He stood up and Clarke grabbed his sleeve, not wanting him to leave. "I have to tell Jackson. I'll be right back." He gave Clarke a quick kiss on the forehead before leaving the room. Clarke lay back down, having trouble believing this was real. The thought struck her that maybe this wasn't, that she had died during the surgery and maybe this was Hell, or maybe Heaven if Bellamy was here. Strangely the thought didn't make her panic, just thoughtful, and when Bellamy returned with the Doc, she looked at them for a second before asking. "Is this real?"  
Bellamy looked sad for a second before Jackson replied. "Yes Clarke, this is real. But it's alright for you to question that after all you've been through. We are glad that the surgery was successful and hopeful that you won't experience any more hallucinations now the tumors are gone. We did our best, but we will need to monitor you for a while to see if there were any, side effects, to the surgery. As you know, it was rather... experimental."  
Clarke nodded absentmindedly. Hopefully there wouldn't be any side effects, but if there were, hopefully it wouldn't be anything as major as slowly going insane and then dying. Of course this was on the premise all this was real (She was still hung up on that). "How can you be sure?"  
"That this is real?" She elaborated as Jackson and Bellamy looked confused.  
Bellamy sat down and took her hand. "We are sure, but you need to convince yourself. The easiest way would be to live your life and see that this isn't a hallucination."  
"But what if I'm dead? And this is my own little Heaven or Hell?" Clarke replied.  
Bellamy thought for a bit and then said. "Then there isn't much you can do about it right? So you may as well live like it's real until something happens that tells you otherwise. It's not so bad is it? Being here, with me?"  
At this last part his hand tightened on hers. Clarke looked at him to see a sad and almost resigned look on his face and realised her questions had hurt him. So she smiled and said "No, it's not so bad." and watched as he smiled.

Apparently she had been in a Coma for over a month. At first they hadn't held out much hope, but after the first sign of life she had been showing other symptoms of waking up. It had taken another couple of weeks, but Bellamy had refused to leave her side and had even set up a bed in the corner (even though half the time he fell asleep in the chair). She smiled at him when Raven told her this and he blushed. It was sweet.  
He still refused to leave her side except to shower and sleep. He ate with her, and helped her as she went through recovery. She had to learn how to walk again. Her muscles had atrophied and she sometimes had trouble getting her body to move the way she wanted it to. It was like her mind had been disconnected for so long that the wiring was faulty. It took time, but eventually she was able to walk and talk normally. She was finally allowed to leave the med bay, but was under strict instructions to return if anything happened. There didn't seem to be any major side effects after the surgery, but they were still worried. 

When she moved out, she found she had been moved into Bellamy's quarters. She put up a token resistance, but was secretly pleased. They hadn't done anything physical (yet) but they were closer than ever and rarely left each others side. It was sickening according to Murphy. The group had a 'Yay you're not dead or crazy' party for her. (No really, Raven asked Murphy to make a get well banner and that's what he wrote on it.) It made her laugh, so Raven put off killing Murphy till later. 

It was all going well, almost to well, and a little voice in the back of Clarke's brain kept telling her she was dead. That there was no way this was real, and everyone was happy, that just wasn't her life. It was getting weaker over time, but she kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. It finally did in the form of Octavia. They had been sparring (gently so not as to bruise her poor abused brain) on Clarke's insistence. She needed to get back in shape and everyone was treating her with kid gloves. So she snuck away with Octavia and they did a little hand to hand. When Bellamy found them 20 mins later he was not happy.  
"What the Hell Octavia! She's recovering from brain surgery! She doesn't need to be putting herself in danger!"  
"Get over yourself Bell, Clarke's a big girl and she doesn't appreciate being treated like a child! I'm giving her what she wants, and we are being careful!"  
"Careful! You're attacking her!"  
This went on for a bit and Clarke was going to let them work it out finally (They were still in a weird space) before she realised this was Bellamy and Octavia. Neither of them were going to give in to the other, both believing they were in the right and unable to compromise. They were too alike. So she stepped in, or tried to anyway.  
"Excuse me? Bellamy?..... Octavia?.........You Guys!...... SHUT IT!"  
The two siblings stopped arguing, staring at her in surprise as she smacked both of them over the head.  
"You two really need to learn to listen to each other instead of yelling." she sighed.  
Both looked sheepish for a second before Bellamy spoke up. "Clarke, you are still recovering...."  
"No. the doctors have cleared me physically and I have had no hallucinations since I woke up Bellamy, I can't be careful forever, and it's best to learn my new limits in a controlled environment. So I asked Octavia to help."  
Octavia looked smug at this but before she could open her mouth Clarke turned to her and made a 'zip it' motion.  
"As for you Octavia, thank you for standing up for me, but the point of this was for me to stand up for myself. Don't use me as a way to fight with Bellamy. You two both need to sit down and talk like adults. Stop using my illness as a way to avoid it." At this she looked at them both but they avoided her gaze.  
"Bellamy, Octavia did what she thought was right to save her people, just like you did when you threw the radio into the water to save her. And I did at base camp, Mt Weather, and many other times. Both of you did something wrong to protect those you loved, and if you can forgive me, you can forgive yourselves and each other. You need to let the guilt go and move on. Octavia, I know you're scared of emotions after Lincoln. But you have to let people in again. We love you, and will forgive you if you need forgiveness. Just let us help you and stop isolating yourself out of fear. Now I'm tired, I'm going back to camp, and you two are going to man up and sort things out."  
With that she turned and walked away, leaving an awkward silence in her wake. 

Clarke was never sure what was said that day, and she never asked. But they came to a kind of truce and though they could never be the siblings who came down from the Ark, they were more at peace with themselves and each other. This didn't mean Clarke was saved from being mediator on the multiple occasions they came to blows. They were both to stubborn to admit they were wrong to each other without an outside person knocking some sense into them.  
But somehow, this argument in the middle of her relatively peaceful recovery had reassured Clarke that this was all real. She was still learning how to interact with the others without letting her hallucinations colour how she felt about them. It was easier with those she had never hallucinated about and she sometimes confused people by mentioning something they hadn't been there for. But over time it got better. She never really became close with Echo, objectively she knew there was nothing she could hold against her, but she never really warmed up to her, and that was Ok. Because people not being your friend was no longer a life or death situation. You no longer had to wonder if they would stab you in the back (literally). Of course there were disputes, but the governmental system she had proposed to Diyoza was fleshed out and slowly implemented. People found their places slowly, using their skills to build new houses and create new spaces for the people. In the end they decided to develop towards the edge of the valley. Houses and other buildings were made from the ship as much as possible and placed on the edge of the green zone and moving outwards.They didn't want to lose the valley to anything so laws were put in place to protect the resources of the valley. It was the last safe place on Earth, and they couldn't afford any mistakes. Clarke was able to guide the explorers around the valley and show them the best places for fruit and water. Monty started a project to see if he could transplant soil from the valley to the wasteland outside and make things grow. He hoped to expand the available land with the goal of one day making the Earth green again. Progress was slow, but in the meantime he had been able to refurbish the algae growing rooms in the bunker and make them into mini greenhouses to grow food throughout the winter. There had been no new babies except Diyoza's yet as things began to settle down, but the new government had had Abby look into the birth control implants they had used on the prisoners. They didn't want accidental pregnancies driving the population up quickly with limited space. So the new law stated when females went through puberty they would receive an implant. It would be updated every year until they were in a committed relationship and looking to have a child. Once they had had a child and exited the breast feeding stage they would receive a new implant until the child was 5 years old. After that they were free to try and have another child or continue with the implant. This law was up for a mandatory review every year and could be changed by a majority vote as soon as the land and resources were at a sustainable level for a larger population.

There was no formal marriage ceremony as of yet, but in the end Clarke and Bellamy decided to come together in a small ceremony with friends to make their relationship official. With not many believing in a God nowadays, they chose to use a tradition they called handfasting that Bellamy remembered from some of his History books. This simple ceremony was quickly taken up by other couples wanting to make it official. Raven and Shaw, Abby and Marcus,Monty and Harper, Emori and Murphy (Murphy grumbled but Clarke swore she saw a tear in his eye at the ceremony), and many more.

Clarke ended up helping Bellamy with the teaching, well they all did in a way. Bellamy taught History and ethics. Clarke taught art and survival skills in the valley. Raven and Shaw taught maths and engineering, Monty and Harper taught gardening and environmental studies, Echo and Octavia did self defense/hunting, Murphy and Emori taught survival skill for the wasteland, Abby taught first aid, and Marcus taught law. Everyone pitched in and while it was very mix and match at the beginning, they soon worked out a system and when the children got older, they implemented short term internships with adults around the camp. Each child would spend 4 weeks in a job with an adult and they would rotate round the different ares for a year. Whichever job the child most enjoyed or was most suited for would then become their long term internship until they reached the age of 18 where they were considered an adult. 

There was no real market system. The food they had was shared by all and when someone needed something they got it. Everyone's basic needs were met and for luxuries such as Clarke's portraits or special fruit Monty grew people offered something in return. This wouldn't last forever, but for now it was enough. And years down the track as Clarke looked at her son Jake running around after Bellamy holding a stick and pretending it was a spear, she smiled with love and joy at her family and their life. It may have been hard, but they were finally home, together.


End file.
